Both Ends of the Life Cycle 5/7/21

That’s convenient, now isn’t it? My daughter just had a baby a month ago and now Al’s daughter has one! Imagine the coincidence. Is it art imitating life? No, it’s just a damn good storyline. But unlike Al’s daughter, mine actually revealed her baby’s gender (a girl, Charlotte) as soon as she found out from the doctor. But John and I felt a gender reveal party was just too juicy to pass up. It’s the kind of thing that has made its way into the cultural zeitgeist, and most of us 60+ year-olds have heard of it but actually have no idea what it means. John and I actually called our daughters to get the lowdown. The bottom line is this: some people want to know the gender of their baby before it comes out, some want it to be a surprise and some want to make it an excuse for a party, or in the lexicon of today, an event. As my children used to say “In real true life,” one of these parties had a couple setting off fireworks, which led to a massive wildfire destroying thousands of acres of California. Another in Mexico just last month had a small plane flying over Mexico, set to reveal the baby’s gender. The only problem was it crashed and the result wasn’t pretty. We promise a gender reveal party somewhere down the road where nobody dies or even gets injured. But don’t ask us what the baby’s gender is because we ain’t tellin’!

The second strip is something a lot of us in this age group has gone through or is going through. It involves selling your parents’ house because either they’ve moved into an assisted living home or they passed away. Gosh this blog is very morbid today, isn’t it? John and I have both been through some form of this and everybody tells you the same thing, “Don’t get emotional. Whatever the buyer want to do with the house is up to them. It’s no longer the home you grew up in. It’s now their home.” You can nod along in agreement to this very rational piece of advice, but when the moment comes, all reason flies out the window. Marv’s interior dialogue goes something like this: “That was MY room damnit! And if I say it’s a great boy’s room, then that’s what you should use it for. I don’t care that you don’t have kids. Keep your freakin’ loom outta here and put up some posters of Jacob deGrom, okay?!” (By the way, that last piece of punctuation - ?! - is called an interrobang. John taught me that from a book about cartooning, written by Mort Walker, the creator of Beetle Bailey). At any rate, Instead of that angry interior rant, Marv just says, “Or a loom, a loom would be perfect in here.” This type of debate between the internal dialogue and what actually pours from our characters’ mouths is the type of discussion we have every week. If you know us it would come as no surprise that I would be the type to say the internal dialogue out loud whereas John would go for the second, more politic way of speaking. Since you’ve already read the comic, I guess you can figure out who won the debate for what Marv actually does say.

So that’s it for this week. Next week we’ve got another series coming up. We’ll be checking in on Sam, as he deals with the demands of being a new dad in his 60’s. The fun begins.

Have a safe, covid-free weekend and thanks for staying with us

Andy and John

On the Old and New 4/30/21

First the old. It’s interesting to see which items go in and out of style. And for those of us of a certain age (and a certain temperment) we don’t give a damn even if they have gone out of style. Consider an item I brought to my marriage some 37 years ago. We jokingly refer to it as “The Dowry." It is an old-fashioned jar opener that belonged to my mother. Can’t find anything like it anymore. But I’ll try to describe it. Think of a circular shape at the top, hinged in the middle. The top has grippers on the inside and it opens up to two handles. You simply separate the handles, fit the circle on the jar top you’re trying to open, close the handles and twist. Voila! Open jar. So simple and elegant. Another item just as timeless that’s also been cast into the dustbin of history? The snack table. Nobody uses them anymore. Except very old people. I was watching an episode of “Comedians in cars getting coffee.” Jerry Seinfeld visits Mel Brooks and Carl Reiner. Every night (obviously this was filmed before Reiner’s passing) Carl and Mel would get together and eat dinner on snack tables while watching Jeopardy. While the point was to marvel at how deep their friendship was and how they acted like an old married couple, I was transfixed by the fact that they ate on snack tables. About a month ago, our kitchen required a major renovation and we were forced to eat on snack tables. I even worked on a snack table, noting how well it fit a MacBook Air and a glass of water. When the construction was completed, we folded the snack tables back up and placed them back into obscurity, in a little corner of the laundry room, never to be seen again until the next emergency. Sigh.

Our second comic deals with texting. Now there are many different types of texters. There’re people who still don’t do it and have no interest in learning how. Then there are people with flip phones who have to hit the “5” key three times in order to type the letter “L.” Next comes people over 50 who text regularly but insist on using punctuation and who hate acronyms. And then there is the millennial generation and younger who want to purvey as much information as possible with as few keystrokes as possible. Hence ”L8R,” instead of “later.” Or “btw,” instead of “by the way.” I took some golf lessons this winter where the instructor showed a split screen of my swing before and after. Only he insisted on labelling the before swing “b4.” I pointed out that that wasn’t the way to spell “before” and he responded by telling me to move closer to the ball. As for the comic, I must admit that John came up with the punchline where Al says, “I’m trying to find the semi-colon.” If it’s old-school behavior to spell words out, it is positively neanderthal to look for a semi-colon. Almost nobody uses semi-colons anymore. They’re about as rare as snack tables.

That’s it for this week. And as long as we are speaking about punctuation, I want to give a special shout-out to our terrific proofreader (who just pointed out I used an unnecessary hyphen in proof-reader), David Ockene, who performs this task every week for free. David, we really appreciate it and you.

See you next week with two new ones. Have a terrific weekend and stay safe,

Andy and John

On Memories and How to get Remembered 4/23/21

If you’ve never spent anytime working in an ad agency you should consider yourself lucky. If, however, you have spent the better part of three decades in the ad game, as John and I each did, then you know all about product placement. This phenomenon has only gotten bigger over time, since most people record shows and fast forward through the commercials. According to the two of us, this is now acceptable since you no longer risk fast forwarding through any of the commercials we created. This is why you now see tv shows and movies where people drink a can of Diet Coke, or open up an Apple computer (it’s always Apple, never anything else) or pour a glass of Casamigos tequila over a very large ice cube. That’s one of the ways products advertise themselves, but how about comics? “Who gives a damn” you ask? We do! Gone are the days when you split your proceeds equally with a syndicate, and popular comics would collect $50 a day for every newspaper in which they appeared. You could make a fine living indeed like that. But nooooooo. That model no longer exists. Physical newspapers almost no longer exist. So now you publish your comic for free, people tell their friends about it (hint, hint) and then you develop such a large following that the advertisers come flocking to your website. And then your characters can appear on t-shirts, coffee mugs and the like. So we wondered, what type of products would fit with a comic about people in their 60’s? What type of audience is attracted to our comic? In general, our audience is comprised of people in their 50’s through 70’s and beyond. The male/female split is about equal. Most of our audience won’t be carrying a lunch box to work and we don’t think their grandchildren will be interested in a Marv lunch box anyhow. So we came up with a bunch of really sexy items like hemorrhoid donuts and adult diapers. Trust us, we would have included dental adhesives and generic Viagra, but we ran out of room. But think about it, if you were strolling down the aisle of your local Walgreens and saw a package of adult diapers adorned with pictures of Marv and Al and Rachel and Joanne, wouldn’t you be tempted to buy it? I mean, who could resist? Look for them soon at a store near you. And if you don’t need such a product, how about branded New 60 memory pills? We all need those. And who can remember the name of Preva something or other anyway?

Which is actually a slick segue into our second comic, a trip to the store to buy memory pills. The trouble with the pills is you have to remember the name of them from the time you saw them in a commercial (because you forgot to fast forward through it) up until the moment you ask for whatchamacallit in the store. I imagine they have secret training sessions at every CVS and Walgreens with the employees. And management tells them, “Now remember, if you see a senior approaching you in the vitamin and supplement aisle and they ask, “What’s the name of that…” you just cut them off and say “Prevagen.” And to the makers of Prevagen, you can thank us for mentioning you right now and to start working with our lawyer on an endorsement deal. Think about it. You could feature us in an episode of The Kaminsky Method. Michael Douglas and Alan Arkin are in the drug store, and one forgets the other’s name, despite the fact that they have been besties for years. Michael turns to Alan, and with totally natural-sounding dialogue, says “Hey what’s your name, what’s the name of that memory pill you’ve been taking?” And without skipping a beat, Alan says, “Why that’s The New 60 version of Prevagen, the only memory pill I use.” Do you see how seamlessly that fits in? But what if by chance, Michael Douglas reacts by saying, “Now wait a minute, isn’t that the comic where the guy named Marv wants a soup spoon and when he goes to the kitchen to retrieve one, he forgets why he’s in the kitchen in the first place? Why would I want a memory pill endorsed by those clowns?” Then we conclude he doesn’t need the product in the first place. So there’s absolutely no downside. Do you hear that Prevagen? Huh?

So that is it for this week, A special birthday shout out to Andy's wife Joanie today. Happy 34th (x2), love ya honey. We will be back with you again with new comics and a blog to close out the month of April and soon, summer will be here. Yay.

Andy and John

The New Normal 4/16/21

If you are like either of us, you start making more and more noises accompanying physical exertion. Bend down to pick something up - that’s a noise. Stretching while getting out of bed - another noise. Leaning over to retie an untied shoelace - yet another. Sitting down in a chair, getting up from said chair, exiting and entering a car, and let’s not even talk about going to the bathroom. The point is the older we get, the more noises we make. John and I thought it would be fun to do a comic on this. The only trouble was how to spell the specific sounds. Like how do you spell the sound when you stretch in the morning? I spell it Uhharghhhh! To John it’ s more of a AAaaarrhghh. Guess who pens and inks in the letters? Guess who wins. I’ve got something to say about that. Unnnnnnhhhhh! Now I promised myself I wouldn’t be like that when I got to certain age, but creeeeeakkkk, here I am. As the saying goes, Man plans, God laughs.

Our other comic is about America’s new favorite phrase to explain everything, “in an abundance of caution.” In an abundance of caution will you please wear a mask before entering, wash your hands before touching, don’t rake the sand trap or touch the flag stick, and subject yourself to the temperature gun. In an abundance of caution my favorite beachside roadstand stopped serving fried whole clam bellies and soft serve ice cream, which were the only two reasons I liked going there. Now don’t get us wrong, we realize much of this is necessary, but some folks take it a little too far. Example, friends who ask, “Have you gotten your vaccine yet?” before they’ll talk to you on the phone. Okay, I exaggerated a little bit there but you get the point. I used to use Lysol wipes to germ-proof the groceries and the grocery bags before putting them away. After receiving our second doses, no more of that. At last, now that we have the vaccine, we can all breathe a little sigh of relief. Just don’t do it if you’re less than 6 feet away from me, okay?

That’s it for this week and we’ll see you next week with two new ones. And if we see you, please make sure to wear a mask.

Andy and John

Watching the Big Screen 4/9/21

Here’s another problem with getting old. Whining about the fact that things ain’t like they used to be. This observation is always followed by the phrase “these days.” Examples: “Politics is too partisan these days.” “You have to be so careful about what you say these days.” And, relating to our March Madness comic, “College basketball is too much like the pros these days.” As John and I were talking about the NCAA Tournament which ended Monday night (it was really over in the first ten minutes, it just lasted until the final buzzer at which point nobody was watching except for people who attended Baylor) we remarked that the only thing amateur about college hoops is when you see the players reduced to tears when their team finally loses. Then we thought that the truly great players play only one season of college before turning pro, so just how sad are they? They are about to earn unfathomable riches. And yeah, it sucks that old (fill in your alma mater here) lost, but the hell with it, I’m going to the Oklahoma City Thunder!

The other comic this week (not as timely as March Madness) deals with the phenomenon we are all experiencing in real time. A few months ago, one of the major studios decided to release all its upcoming movies to theaters and to HBO Max at the exact same time. This means no more exclusive runs at the movie theater. First of all, what is HBO Max anyway? I already pay for HBO, now I have to pay MORE for Max???? But the point is, that there are fewer and fewer reasons to go to a movie theater and we will be streaming more and more movies in the comfort of our own homes. I must admit I used to like the movie theater experience. The audience shrieks at a scary movie or laughter at a comedy is infectious. There’s surround-sound, DOLBY digital and IMAX. But now the audience is infectious as well. And if you’re on the short side like me, there’s always a 6-footer who decides to sit right in front of you. And let’s face it, the popcorn sucks, unless you go to the Alamo Drafthouse. So we had Al and Joanne recreate the experience at home without going into one of the discussions I have with my wife around home movie watching: do you pour the raisinets straight into the popcorn bowl, or eat them separately.

One final personal note. John and I write about what it’s like to navigate your 60’s because we like to write about what we know. However, we’ve written about being grandparents without personally knowing what that’s like. I am proud to say as of Tuesday night, I now know what that’s like. My daughter Ali and her husband Mark had their first child Charlotte Tuesday around 10pm. My wife Joanie and I are now first time grandparents. And it couldn’t be sweeter.

See you next week with two new ones — comics, not grandchildren.

Andy and John

Struggling 4/2/21

It used to be different. It used to be, you’d produce a high-quality product (we’d like to think our comic strip qualifies) and then sell it to a syndicate, and the rest was smooth sailing, except for the part about coming up with new material and then drawing, inking and coloring it. To take the most ridiculously successful example, Charles Schulz of Peanuts fame used to be published in 4,200 newspapers worldwide. The charge to the papers was $100, half to the syndicate, half to Mr. Schulz. That came out to roughly $210,000. Every day. 7 days a week. Then came the internet. And newspapers started fading away. At least the print editions. So what’s a budding comic creator to do these days? Well, you have to give it away for free, and then try to merchandise it. How about a stuffed Marv doll? An Al lunchbox? Doesn’t float your boat? Rachel t-shirts anyone? Now, you give away the content free and try to build an audience naturally. That means having people like it, and share it by sending (emailing) comics they like to their friends. Once you grow big enough, then you can sell it to advertisers or the aforementioned syndicates. Believe me, we’ve talked to syndicates. They have tons of helpful suggestions like introducing magical animals, or having every comic turn into a dream. How about using the characters in a line of greeting cards? This week, John and I decided to “break the fourth wall,” and have the characters talk about themselves as characters. It’s a fun way to take all the suggestions we’ve gotten and put them to use. And frankly, it’s a really good way to vent.

The second comic is part of our Then and Now series. In this installment we compare rotary phones to cell phones. And our struggle with them. Remember when we used to have an “exchange?” Like MUrray Hill 7-1234 or CHickering 4-5678? First of all, what the hell is an exchange? Or an operator. I remember that whenever Lassie was late coming home, the mom would pick up her phone (it was a party line so no rotary dial) and speak to the operator who would make the call for her. Of course, by the time they got through all of that Lassie had found her way home, so the whole ordeal was a waste of time. But I digress. The thing is now all you have to do is look up “home” and the phone dials it for you. Which explains why I can’t remember anyone’s phone number anymore. Because I don’t have to. It’s certainly not due to memory fading with age. It’s all the phone’s fault, is that clear???

That’s it for this week. We hope nobody plays any April Fools tricks on you and we’ll see you next week.

Andy and John

Finally 03/26/21

Why finally? Because it links this week’s comics. Finally we got Sid out of the house and can plan what to do with his room. And finally we got an appointment for our Covid vaccine shots. First, about the Covid. As a man of a certain age, it reminds me a lot of Vietnam. Huh? Relax, I’ll explain. It was 1971 and yours truly was a freshman at Washington U in St. Louis. I sat around on the floor with a bunch of buddies listening to the radio announce birthdates that were being pulled out of a tumbler. Speaking of tumblers, we also had a bottle of crappy scotch on the floor and we kept taking shots when we didn’t get our birthday called. My roommate’s birthday was May 5th, and I was May 15th. The war was starting to wind down and only the first 50 birthdates called would have to enlist in the army. The voice called out, “Number 5…May 5th.” Now May 5th sounds a lot like May 15th, but it wasn’t, thank goodness for yours truly. My roommate, however, left for active duty and I never heard from him again. I hope he made it. May 15th didn’t get called until after number 250 so I was safe. But what reminded me of Covid is it’s the only time I can remember people hoping they were sick, that something was wrong with them. In the case of Vietnam, something wrong could get you declared 4F. I have no idea what that stands for but it means, you’re out. The army can’t use you. It’s like on a school test. F isn’t a low enough grade for you. You’re 4F. Take that! With Covid, if you weren’t yet 65, you’d have to have something wrong with you in order to qualify for the shot. Anxiety, depression, elevated heart beat, hypertension, you name it. The point is it’s the only other time I can remember people hoping their doctors would find something wrong with them. Bone spurs, anyone?

Next up on your scroll is the inevitable emptying of Sid’s room. All traces of Sid are gone, posters, clothes, shoes, books, hell, even Sid himself. It was what Al and Joanne wanted for the last 5 or 6 years. But, of course, now that he’s gone they miss the hell out of him. I will point out that hey don’t miss him enough to stop contemplating who gets his room and what they are planning to do with said room, once a winner has been declared. And like most marital squabbles, the guy has no chance emerging as the winner. Al, while not an easy man to live with, was easy to manipulate in this situation. A NY Giants foot pillow, to prop his feet up during games, was all it took for Joanne to win the day. Speaking for the entire male gender, we may not think we’re easy to outmaneuver, but trust us, we are. But don’t worry. Al will get his chance. Wait until they start to clean out the garage.

That’s it for this week. Have a great weekend and we’ll be back again next week with two new ones.

Andy and John

Adjusting 03/19/21

Adjustments. We make a small series that most people don’t even notice, but over time, they add up. Having spent nearly 4 decades in the ad biz, I can tell you that products you are very familiar with tweak their labels in small ways, keeping consistent elements, but changing all the same. You wouldn’t notice them from year to year, but if you looked back, say 5 years, you’d see an obvious difference. Coca Cola has the familiar red and white can, but they play with the white stripe, the type face and whether it says Coke, or Coca Cola. Sometimes the adjustment is too much too soon. Does anybody remember New Coke? Exactly.

It’s like that in relationships as well. Al and Joanne are struggling to adjust to life without their son at home. They were also struggling with being able to see the small type on their tv monitor. That was an adjustment that worked out for Al. A similar situation arose in my home a couple weeks ago. The big screen tv went kaput after 6years (they sure don’t make ‘em like they used to, do they?). I wanted a bigger screen, my wife not so much. The old tv was on a bracket where it pulled out and swiveled. The adjustment: a bigger screen, but flat against the wall. Both sides ended up being happy. Of course, most adjustments don’t work like that. It’s usually where either side didn’t get quite what they wanted, but they are at least willing to live with it. Another example happened when we downsized from our house to our apartment. I said, “Honey, there isn’t room for four sets of china.” To which my wife replied, “And there’s no room for 4 tvs.” You can’t argue with good solid logic, so we adjusted. We have 4 sets of china and 4 tvs.

Next week we will deal with compromise, which is really just another word for adjustment. Until then, have a great and virus-free weekend.

Andy and John

The Saga of Sid Continues 3/11/21

Everybody’s got to grow up at some point, right? Even Sid. Look, we get it. This is the first generation that hasn’t had a reasonable expectation of upward mobility. And so because of a combination of low paying jobs, little to no health insurance, and sky high rents, many adult children are being forced to still live at home or to accept their parents’ help in living alone. And we ‘ve been over this territory before. And it’s not particularly funny, especially if you are the person still living home. But that doesn’t mean there isn’t room for comedy. Between wondering, “what in the name of God is he doing up there?” and the revelation of, “Oh, so that’s what he’s been doing up there!” is where the funny kicks in. And you have to admit, that app of Sid’s is a pretty brilliant idea.

But then we got to thinking, what if Siri or Alexa or one of those robotic female voices could do this anyway? Aren’t they some sort of example of artificial intelligence, or to be hip, AI? So we tested it. Well, in order to sound incredibly hip, we beta-tested it. In other words I said, “Hey Siri, what’s the name of that movie with the guy from the notebook and the girl from the Help? And Siri replied, “Okay, I found this on the web about The Notebook.” So it didn’t work. Which means there is still a need for Sid’s app. And if any of you are smart enough to invent it and you wind up making billions of bucks, just remember who gave you the idea. And return a 33 1/3% of your profits for the first couple years. It’s only fair.

We will wrap up the 5-part Saga of Sid next week and move on to other topics, but if you get a chance we’d love to hear your thoughts about whether or not you’d like these continuing stories from time to time.

And that, is that. Not because it’s currently 68 degrees outside and I’m kinda lazy. No it’s because I’ve run out of things to say about adult children living at home. And yeah, because it’s 68 degrees and I’m kinda lazy.

See you next week with two new ones. Enjoy your weekend and we hope you get vaccinated,

Andy and John

Adult Children 3/05/21

What kind of world is this? When did it become the rule that people of a certain age had to take care of their parents and elderly relatives, and also still have to help their kids out? It’s not all our kids’ faults. Gone are jobs with nice, comfy perks like medical insurance and bonuses and pensions and the guarantee of 40 years with the same company (what the hell is a company anyway?). Nope. Now we live in a “gig” economy. As far as I can tell gig stands for no freakin’ benefits. Gig makes me gag. But this is supposed to be funny, so enough.

We thought we’d take a look at Al and Joanne’s 33-year-old son who works on his computer upstairs and has no income. He does however have a plan. First, we gave him a name, Sidney. And then, as part of our new push to tell more continuing stories, we are doing our first ever 5-part story, the Saga of Sid, if you will. We are going to explore the push/pull of “C’mon kid, it’s time to move out” combined with “Do you have to go so soon?” Sure, they’re pains in the butt but they also solve all your tech problems. Sure, they eat you out of house and home but they also listen to cool music you’d never hear and watch new tv shows you’d never watch. In short, they keep you a little more hip than you’d be otherwise. John and I have no kids living at home, which may be a reason why we are so unhip, even though we did visit a pot dispensary in a past comic.

The other thing about a five-part series is this: once we enter a comic, say Part 1 on the website, and then enter the subsequent comic, Part 2, the subsequent comic comes up first in your feed, so that when you click open your email on Friday, you’d see part 2, followed by Part 1. And then next week, you’d see Part 4 at the top followed by Part 3. In other words, “Help! Where are our kids when we need them???

Have a great weekend and get vaccinated,

Andy and John

On Snacking and Taking Off Your Pants

About taking off your pants…no we’re not about to describe some senior sex ritual. It’s not that kind of comic. So kindly take your minds out of the gutter. We’re talking about how challenging it is to do things you took for granted when you (as Billy Joel once put it) wore a younger man’s (or woman’s) clothes, It’s that moment when you come home from work (do any of you still come home from work?) and slip out of your pants and into your sweats or pj’s. A special shout out to John’s buddy, Billy McGloin, who gave us this nugget. He shared with John his TOPR (Technique Of Pants Removal). According to Billy, you lower the pants leg below your foot, and then, this is critical, step on the pants leg with the OTHER foot. This allows you to remove your first leg without having to go through the annoying (okay, physically challenging) maneuver of having to actually bend over at the waist. It was a really funny insight. And please understand that John and I would never stoop to such a method of undressing because we both have the flexibility of 20-year-olds. Alright, you got me. Maybe I sometimes stoop to the McGloin TOPR, but certainly not all the time. Okay, all the time. It’s a little lazy, but it works. And a cautionary note to all you readers who might be tempted to try this method. Put one hand on the wall to prevent Marv’s fate of falling over. Oh, and if you do fall over anyway, please do not admit to feeling any pain. That’s part of the rule. So when your partner asks you if you’re okay, you just state, “Fine, didn’t even feel it.” And then, after you’ve successfully removed both legs from the aforementioned pants, attempt to regain your feet without moaning out loud. And that, thank you Billy, was the inspiration for our first comic this week.

The second one is almost two ideas in one. The first is part of the The New 60’s reader outreach program, where we give you techniques to make life easier or at least more interesting. If you go back in our archives you’ll find tricks like when you wiggle a finger in your ear, it sounds like Pac Man. We shared with you a failsafe routine for getting your kids to call you back (change the Netflix password) and this week we give you two pointers. The first is how to take your pants off without bending. And the second is how to magnify small print like the kind that’s so hard to read on a menu, a pill bottle or in this case, a snack. You simply take your phone out of your pocket, turn your camera on as if you were going to take a picture of the label or menu, and then zoom in. Warning: when it comes to eating snack packs, we recommend doing this BEFORE you open the package, not afterwards. In Rachel’s case she saw the bold-faced 120 calories and proceeded to dig in to the dark-chocolate covered cherries. Al’s phone trick (which is actually John’s) reveals that the small container has 5 servings. Wouldn’t you want to know that before you started eating? The trouble with after is you are licking your fingers clean and thinking how delicious a snack that was. Dark chocolate, the healthy kind, and cherries, a natural fruit. All that goodness in something that tastes like candy and for only 120 calories? How smart am I? Then Al has to go and ruin it by making Joanne feel guilty about consuming 600 of those little calories. Suddenly they don’t taste so good.

No need to thank us for these two handy life hacks. Just make sure to hold on to the wall for the pants’ trick and to magnify labels before consuming the contents. This way you’ll be happy you learned these tricks. The other way, you’re flat on your back and you just consumed 600 calories and you’ll be cursing us out, and we wouldn’t want that. We’re sensitive. Or at least I am.

That’s all for this week. We’ll see you next week with a four-part series. Stay tuned.

Andy and John

On sexy voices and unsexy dining companions 2/19/21

You know those annoying calls? Why are they always about extending your car warranty? And why do they chastise you (“This is the fifth time we’ve tried to reach you…”)? Doesn’t work. Yet they keep trying. But sometimes, sometimes that voice on the other end is kind of sexy. And we know it’s a robot voice, but still. John and I discussed whose voice would be the most attractive to our audience. I pushed for Scarlett Johansson but then John reminded me that our comic is called The New 60 and we settled on a cross between Suzanne Pleshette (from the Bob Newhart Show) and Kathleen Turner (Body Heat, among others). And don’t pretend you don’t know Bob Newhart. Anyway, we thought about how many steps we take to ban these numbers from ever calling us back (kind of like unfriending somebody on FaceBook). I have entered my cell phone number on a National Do Not Call Registery, I’ve blocked individual crank calls so many times it makes me dizzy and I’ve said some pretty rude things to these voices before I realized they are mostly robots. None of it seems to work. But what if you really liked that voice and wanted to save it? What would you do then? And that was the impetus for our first comic.

Comic number two comes straight from the front pages (even if you get your newspaper digitally). In New York State, where we both live, indoor dining is open again in a limited capacity with distance and mask restrictions. But it’s been so long since we’ve been at the diner, we (and our characters) were longing to go back in. But we thought, what did people use to do back when people got together? The first thing was pulling out your cell phone and sharing adorable pictures of your family. And we thought, that would be pretty tough from 6-feet apart. For all you naysayers out there, we didn’t put them in masks, since a) they were socially distant and b) you can’t eat with a mask on. But rest assured (at least in your imagination) that they will be putting their masks back on when they leave. Even if they’ve received their first vaccinations.

So that’s the show for this week. Have a great weekend, and if you’re in Texas, we pray you have a warm weekend as well. See you next week with two new ones,

Andy and John

On Covid Shots and Almond Milk 2/12/21

A couple of weeks ago, my wife had to go back home to Pittsburgh. As I drove her to the airport, she asked me to be sure I booked us Covid-19 vaccinations. I breezily said, “No problem.” As we’d speak each night, she’d ask, “Did you book the appointments yet?” And each night I’d say, “No, I can’t find one.” This routine started to elevate to a different level, when my answer was met with a, “Well Peter and Renee (friends) got them.” And soon enough, it seemed like almost everyone we knew over the age of 65 had managed to get one. But not me. When she came back over a week later, she tried herself, and (much to my inner satisfaction), she couldn’t find one either. And then she was on the phone with yet ANOTHER 65+ friend, who had gotten hers. When Joanie asked her friend how she got it, the friend said, “Oh, I asked my niece. She’s gotten appointments for her parents, and us, she just knows what to do.” Then came the follow up question: “Would it be too much of an imposition to ask her if she could schedule one for Andy and me?” Within the next five minutes, we had appointments for our first shots. We had been given two gifts, our first Covid vaccinations and today’s first comic. Plus, I was freed from answering “Did you book the shots yet” question and from giving the “No, not yet” reply. Which is always helpful.

Onto comic two. We have a habit in my family of buying almond milk, using a little then forgetting about it. Judging from some responses to this comic on Facebook, almond milk is not universally loved. One of our readers, Ed Comiskey from Florida, wrote that his favorite recipe for almond milk was to open the container and pour it down the drain. Works for me. I guess it’s good for making smoothies, but c’mon now. Have you ever tried to milk an almond? Hint: doesn’t work. But if you want to live a vegan life, be my guest. I won’t judge. Well, maybe a little. And please don’t invite me over for dinner. Also consider this: Tom Brady, whose TB12 diet includes no dairy, probably drinks almond milk, and what the hell has he ever accomplished?

So that’s it for this week. We will see you again next Friday with two new ones, and if you haven’t gotten your vaccinations yet, don’t fret, Walgreens and CVS are coming to the rescue, and everybody over 60 knows how to find one of those.

Andy and John

Winter Wonderland 2/5/21

Newsflash: it hasn’t exactly been the easiest winter. Now in addition to Covid and Marjorie Taylor Greene, we had a huge snowstorm, another is on the way, and Tom Brady is back in the Super Bowl. Yeah, that Tom Brady. In a pathetic attempt to be topical, your intrepid cartoonists decided to do a Super Bowl comic this week and another about shoveling snow. First of all, it’s important to note that we have entirely different perspectives on the aforementioned Tom Brady, The GOAT (Greatest Of All Time). While I am a Giants fan and we beat Tom and the Patriots not once, but twice, in two Super Bowls, John is a Jets fan and they have had decidedly less success against Mr. Brady. Secondly, through a weird glitch in the universe, both my children were born during Giants Super Bowl winning years, although not against Brady. So the inspiration for watching with your baby comes with experience. Truth be told, it was John’s suggestion, even though it was my experience. My solution, back in ‘86 and ‘90 was to offer my wife the following deal, “Honey, I’ll watch the baby (and in the case of our second child {the kids} all day), but when it comes kickoff time, I’m off duty.” And since my wife doesn’t really care about football, she was only too happy to comply. Now back to the comic. It is my contention that John has been psychologically bruised by having Brady and the Pats beat on his beloved Jets time and time again. So it was no accident when he thought it would be funny to have the baby spit up on his Tom Brady jersey. I don’t think that makes up for all the beat downs but hey, every little bit helps.

Now onto the second comic. I have a friend who is a stand-up comic and writes for Jimmy Kimmel. She once said about Facebook, “They should call it In your Face… Book.” You know, people telling you how much better their life is than your life. How great their vacation is, their relationship is, their kids are, etc. Well that’s kind of the way it is with a lot of snowbirds. I can’t prove it but I have a sneaking suspicion they get a little kick when it’s 78 degrees and sunny outside and they’re lounging in the pool with a pina colada, while we are shoveling 18 inches of snow off our driveways. The reason I suspect this is because that’s exactly how I’d feel if I’d have been smart enough to move someplace warm. And why is it that we Northerners can come up with no better excuse than, “We like the change of seasons?” Don’t get me wrong, the change of seasons is nice, but so is watching the Super Bowl from a hot tub, while nursing a beer and cigar, like I did a few years back at my cousin’s house in Florida. After which, my wife and I flew back home and enjoyed the hell out of the rest of the winter.

That’s it for this week. And before signing off, I’d like to celebrate the life and times of my mother-in-law Charlotte Bluestone, a selfless, loving soul who passed away at the age of 99 1/2 years. You’ll be missed. We will be back to you next week with two new comics. Thanks for reading.

Andy and John

Meditations on Meditation 1/29/21

A couple weeks ago I was in a virtual meeting via Zoom. I was feeling a bit stressful when a friend of mine, Rena DeLevie, sent me an article she had written for HuffPost on the topic of meditation, a sort of how to guide that said to me, however you want to go about it, do it like that. I thought about how I used to do it on the Metro North Railroad, while wearing noise-cancelling headphones, how I would shut myself in a room at home and invariably end up falling asleep, or how I used to purloin one of the rooms set aside for lactating women at work so that I could have a 20 minute session when the need to meditate came on. The article gave me such a good laugh, I shared it with John and it became the inspiration for our three-part series on, you guessed it, meditation. Here is a link to Rena’s very funny guide to meditation:
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/a-feisty-guide-to-meditat_b_9421350

This week you saw the final two installments of our three-part series. In part two Marv picks out a mantra, at Al’s urging. As the aforementioned article said, anything will work. Well, this actually pisses me off since my wife and I paid a small fortune to get our mantras “specially chosen for us” by some Maharishi named Katz at a Westchester Center for TM (don’t ask how much, ‘cause I’m not telling). In fact, and this may go into the category of TMI or Too Much Information (for you folks that hate acronyms) but I frequently push away thoughts of my next meal when meditating. So when the article mentioned tuna fish as a possible mantra, John and I just ran with it. By the way, I do recall my maharishi or guru (or whatever you call him) telling me NOT to meditate right after a meal. “It’s better to be alert,” he said. Well, I beg to differ, unless you want to keep muttering “guacamole” as you put myself into a restful state.

The third and final installment comes from the TM (that’s Transcendental Meditation for you acronym haters) teachings on meditation. They tell you to concentrate on clearing your mind by repeating your mantra softly, to yourself. If you said it out loud, people would likely think you were crazy for talking to yourself about suuuu-shi rollllls, or tuuuu-na or whatever it is you’ve chosen (see, I’m writing this around lunchtime and can’t help the damn food references). The trouble comes with the clearing your mind part. It’s like that old saying, try not to notice the elephant in the room. It’s all you can notice. Try not to think of anything else except your mantra, go ahead, I dare ‘ya. But eat first, trust me.

So that’s it for this week. Thanks as always for reading The New 60 and the blog and for passing it on to your friends. We will see you next week with two new ones and no, they will not be about meditation.

Andyyyyyyy and Johnnnnnnn

FRIENDS 1/22/21

I think as we get older, we get a bit more unfiltered. We don’t agree to as many things as we used to agree to and we don’t just go along for the sake of going along as much either. In other words, we become more cantankerous. Today’s first comic results from an inability to filter. And it comes from personal experience. Back when I was working in advertising, sometime in the 18th century, there was a woman who worked for me who used to regularly break down in tears or get worked up into hysterics, and, suddenly, she seemed noticeably calmer. I asked her what was different. She told me she had embarked on Transcendental Meditation and it had changed her life. She even showed me a secret hiding place to meditate during work hours. We worked in a huge NYC high rise on the 32nd floor, but right off the second floor, there was a secret side door just to the left of where the company cafeteria was located. There stood 7 rooms reserved for lactating mothers. At most one or two of these would be in use at a time. She would simply claim one, slide the in use tab outside the door, lock the door and sit in the easy chair with her eyes closed for 20 minutes. Heaven. When she exited, she was refreshed and ready to take on the rest of her day. And she didn’t even have to lactate. So I went to take a course in TM along with my wife and it was terrific. But, I’m ashamed to say, I took my colleague up on her secret the very day after my course had ended and used one of those 7 lactating rooms. Fortunately no one ever saw me exiting, because I had no idea what I might say. “No, you don’t understand, it’s not what it looks like…” But I digress. The funny thing is that after paying a semi-exorbitant amount for my wife and I to get our training and our own personal mantras, a friend pointed out that you could get mantras for free simply by going online. Way to harsh my mellow, dude. And if you want to know what that means in English, it means “way to ruin my peaceful mood.” And so was born today’s first comic.

Our second comic came from John enlisting his wife to hold up the big screen tv while he attempted to connect it to an extending, rotating arm he installed in the back of the wall. Note: this is a major difference between us, I just call the super (I believe it has something to do with growing up Jewish but I cannot prove it). So he wondered, what would happen if we tried to call our friends to help us with a physically demanding task? What would their excuse be if they no longer had to work? And this is where our age difference came into play (I am 5 years older than John). I wanted the excuses to be, “Oh I can’t, I’m having an endoscopy, while John was more in the “Oh I can’t, I’m taking the family on a ski trip,” vein. Since I can’t even draw a stick figure and since his version was more optimistic, guess who won. But in the words of the hit play Hamilton, I say to you John, “Just you wait!”

So that’s it for this week but we will be back next week with parts 2 and 3 of our meditation series. Try it, you’ll like it.

Have a great and safe weekend

Andy and John

Kicking 2021 Off To a Healthy Start 1/15/21

We all make them. We all break them. New Year’s resolutions. I knew somebody a few years back who paid to go to a boot camp, a military-style exercise/torture experience several mornings per week in New York’s Central Park. And when I say mornings, I mean like 5:30 am. This person would dutifully show up, along with a few other hearty souls and proceed to get put through the paces by a drill sergeant, yelling at them to get up, jump higher, calling them endearing names like “maggot” and screaming that they weren’t going fast enough or hard enough. And they paid money for this. Full disclosure, the maniacal training program CrossFit came to my hometown about 15 years ago and before I joined up, I paid the instructor for 3 private sessions, just to see what it was like. Now it should have been a sign that the instructor came to the second session with a cast on his left wrist, but he said it was “nothing, just a little strain” so I carried on. Each session comprised of 3 to 4 exercises. You’d do them and get the form down, and then at the end, you’d see how many sets of the exercises you could fit in a space of 8 to 10 minutes. What could go wrong lifting kettlebell weights as fast as you can from a squat to a stand and back down again? Plenty. I quit when I had to cancel a golf game due to a strained back. I thought, what are you going to do more of in your later years, golf with friends or swing kettlebells under the watchful eye of some freak with a cast on his wrist? Golf won. Though truth be told, I was probably more adept at the kettlebell. CrossFit was the inspiration for Marv’s tire flip, and we think Marv had the right idea by rolling the tire. Who in their right mind would want to flip the damn thing? And by the way, my local CrossFit went out of business.

Our next comic comes from the many mutual family meals John and I have had with our grown children. Now that restaurants are not feasible for the time being we have eaten at our kids’ houses or they have come to us. And, like everything else, food has undergone radical changes. No longer will our children eat Hershey Bars (unless they are under 7 and it’s Halloween). I found an oat milk, 58% cacao, cane sugar free, unroasted dark chocolate bar at my daughter’s house, though to be fair, when I teased her about it, it turned out my wife bought it for her. At any rate, just like our parents had to get used to long hair and bell-bottom jeans, pre-marital sex and rock and roll, we have to get used to cage free eggs, Beyond Meat, gluten-free bread and plant-based proteins. This comic was a nod to that. As a service to our readers, please don’t fall for gluten-free potato chips. All potato chips are gluten-free. We have a really good upscale pizza parlor near us that serves regular (as opposed to gluten-free) pizza but on the very same menu features gluten-free fried chicken. As my grandma used to say “Go figure”. And as I say, “I have no idea what gluten is, but I know I want more.”

See you next week with two new ones.

Andy and John

Dating in the time of Corona 1/8/21

I was speaking to a friend of mine and asking about her son and his girlfriend. She said they were doing fine (always code for not so great) but that the girlfriend was complaining he never took her anywhere. They never went out, she hadn’t met his friends, etc. All they did was stay over at each other’s apartments and watch tv or movies and order take out. I secretly thought, “sounds pretty good to me,” and John thought it was perfect fodder for our bachelor character, Craig. We added in a few things he never did so it would seem more appropriate for a 60-something and our first comic was born. But it does speak to a deeper truth. Guys in general are happier doing less and women (again, in general) are more social and want to go out, introduce you to their friends, their family and can’t imagine why you wouldn’t want the same. Now I know, this is a sexist generalization but still…

As for me, I’d rather leave what I’m doing (whatever it is) and get back home. Of course, so I can write all you loving fans this blog, that’s the ONLY reason.

Onto the second comic which is spurred again by reality. John heard about somebody with one of these fancy schmancy home security systems which had been sitting in a box at home for a couple months. Now this system apparently has amazing capabilities. It monitors activities at your front door and sends them to your smartphone so you know what’s going on at home on those rare occasions when you actually do go out. The trouble was two-fold: 1) It looked complicated and this person was busy with a bunch of projects so the box just sat there. And 2) the user pays a monthly fee to the security company for the monitoring service, whether or not they’ve decided to take the damn thing out of the box. Fortunately, for this person, his daughter came to visit for Christmas and set it up for him so the problem was solved, but that doesn’t make for a very good comic. So, we came up with the “thrown the box at the robber “ ending which while not practical, would really hurt. Also, the fact that the person in question might be John would also hurt his ego, so we will never reveal whether or not this was based on his own experience. If you want to find out, you’ll have to read about it in the blog. Oh, wait a minute, this is the blog. Sorry, not telling.

Happy New Year and as Jackie Gleason would say: away we go (for 2021). See you next week.

Andy and John

GOOD RIDDANCE 2020, HAPPY NEW YEAR '21 1/1/21

Let us count the reasons to be cheerful that 2020 is finally in the rearview mirror. I cannot begin to describe the thrill of typing “1/1/21” into this blog. First of all, it signifies two less keystrokes because now, you only have to write “21” whereas before you had to write “2020”. Okay it’s a stretch but there’s plenty of other reasons to celebrate as well. The corona vaccine is becoming a reality. A new administration is taking over (no matter which side of the aisle you’re on, the new guy really did win). Hopefully we can move in a new direction and tackle this thing to the ground once and for all. And hopefully John won’t have to keep drawing masks over the funny and farcical expressions he so expertly draws.

We presented you this morning with a John special, a Happy New Year Poster where we take out our frustrations on 2020 by kicking the ever-loving crap out of it. Hey, it’s a legal way to let off some steam. Don’t judge.

And we imagined what it might look like for a 32-year-old living at home to wake up on Christmas morning to find his parents in matching pajamas. He’d conclude it was time to get his own place. And we’d be inclined to agree. We will follow his travels and travails this year.

And finally, we would be remiss without thanking each and every one of our readers personally for your loyalty in reading and following us each week. For sending us on to your friends. For “liking” us on social media. For reading the blog. And so John is going to get into his SUV and go across each and every one of our 50 states to visit and thank…okay, he’s not doing any of that and neither am I. But please accept an electronic thanks from the bottom of our very human hearts. You guys are the best. And hopefully, we will have a book available for the holidays next year.

Stay safe and happy,

Andy and John

Happy Holidays 12/25/2020

Happy Holidays. And good riddance to 2020, though we’re supposed to save that sentiment for next week’s blog. Anyhow, with holiday season upon us we did a holiday themed two pack of comics. Now I celebrate Hanukkah and John is a Christmas guy, so we settled on this idea which gave a shout out to the both of us. But what about Festivus, you ask? Good question. Did you know, that was actually a thing before Seinfeld? No kidding. It seems that one Mr. Daniel O’Keefe of Readers Digest made it up in the ‘60’s, because he was tired of family squabbles around the holidays. He even called for sitting around the table for the Airing of Grievances. I kid you not. And get this, his son Dan became a writer for Seinfeld and wrote the Festivus episode which made the made up holiday famous. For those of you keeping count, the official date is December, 23rd, the date the elder O’Keefe had his first date with his future wife. But I digress. The storing and retrieving of ornaments is apparently such a struggle, it’s almost not worth it. I wouldn’t know. I’m a Jew. But my daughter, who for years, yearned for a tree, showed us and eventually married a Methodist and has that damned tree every year!

As for the holiday card, well that sprung from the mind of John. It’s tough to kiss from 6-feet apart, and by the way, that’s a hell of a lot of mistletoe.

So whether you have your holidays on zoom or together wearing masks, stay safe and we will see you next week with a new comic and a New Year’s poster wishing 2020 a not very fond farewell.

And if this blog seems a bit short, well, cartoonists get some time off too.

See you next week,

Andy and John