Smart Devices 12/18/2020

Smart devices. They all promise to make our lives so much better. But are we smart enough to use them? There are smart refrigerators that tell you when you’re running low on milk, smart toaster ovens that know what you’ve put inside them and how long to bake or broil said item, smart watches, phones, tv’s, and I’m not smart enough to go on with more examples. Our first comic this week deals with a smartphone. Now if you are like me or John, you’ve gotten rid of your landline because it was just an expensive relic that did nothing more than receive useless junk calls. As time went on, my wife and I started ignoring our landline when it rang and our friends and family only called our cell phones. Eventually, the robocallers or bots caught on and now our smartphones get as many junk calls as our landlines used to get. Ahh, but we were smart, so we thought, so we’d outsmart our smartphones. First thing we did was sign up to the National Do Not Call Registry. Total waste of time. Next option was to immediately hang up after each call from Bluffton, Tenn. or Portsmouth, NH, where we didn’t know a soul. Then go into last call, info, and finally, block caller. Also not worth a hot damn. Because as soon as you block this particular number, whoever it is just calls you back on another number. As the pirates used to say, arghhhhhh! So we made a comic out of it. If anyone has any suggestions about how to defeat these seemingly endless crank calls, we’d love to hear about it and we’ll post it on the site, but until then, just don’t answer.

Next up is the smartwatch. I wonder if this happens to you. Almost every night I’ll be sitting on my couch around 10:30 or 11 when I feel a bump on my wrist. Inevitably it’s my watch, telling me it’s time to breathe. And immediately I think, do I really need a reminder telling me it’s time to breathe? Isn’t that sort of obvious? I mean, don’t you need to breathe to be able to sort of, ‘ya know, live? Oh I know, they mean deep breathing, in through the nose, out through the mouth, but still, soooo annoying. What’ll it do next, tell me when it’s time to stand? Oh wait, it already does that. This next part is no joke. Kara Swisher from the N.Y. Times wrote that she bought a new watch to test for a column she was writing. The watch measured her pulse and told her, among other things, that she seemed upset at 4:46 pm yesterday and happy at 9:27 pm. Can’t you see it now, an ad for an antidepressant or Tito’s Vodka at 4:47 followed by a promo for a new romantic comedy at 9:28? The more and more devices are thinking for us, the less and less we are being asked to think for ourselves. Now if only someone can come up with a program to write this blog I can lie down and take a nap. John, who cannot be replaced by a bot, is busy working on our Christmas Card.

Have a great weekend and Happy Holidays,

Andy and John

Crossing the Line 12/11/2020

I remember going on safari many moons ago and we passed over an airplane tarmac where there were a group of rhinos. They passed over the pavement onto the grass heading for a grass circle. One of the young males kicked at the grass and mud and peed on it. The guide breathlessly explained that this circle had been created by the elder and that the young male was carving out his territory by pissing on and kicking the elder’s territory. It was quite a sight indeed. Now you’re probably thinking, have I lost my mind? Why am I bringing this up? The answer to the first question is: probably yes. And to the second: because we’re all animals and we all mark our territories. There’s my stuff and there’s your stuff and never the line shall be crossed. It’s called territory. There’s stuff that goes on my side and stuff that goes on your side. But what happens to the stuff we share? Like toilet paper? Or, in the case of this comic, cotton balls? It seems to John and me that these items usually find their way to the side with less stuff. Sharing means caring, or something like that.

Now the other comic is a little idiosyncratic thing from yours truly. When people stop me and say, you know who you look like? The answer is always, Larry David. Now, I don’t see it, (If you want to see my picture, go to our website thenew60comic.com and click on the tab “the creators”) but I do think I act like him. At least sometimes. And this comic is one of those times. The key to his character, I’ve always felt, is “the world is out to get me.” So in this case, when Al pushes the lobby button in an elevator, and somebody gets on after him and pushes the very same button he pushed, it is an affront. Why did she do that? Did she not think he did it correctly? Judging from the comments’ section, not many other people think this way, which says something good about the world, if not about this writer’s psyche.

So that’s it for this week, as we rocket our way to the end of 2020 (thank the lord). We’ll be back to you next week with two new ones.

Stay safe

Andy and John

An Exercise in Futility 12/04/2020

As far as I can tell there are two schools of thought when it comes to exercise. There’s the “Oh My God, I’d Rather Stick Burning Embers Under My Fingernails” school and there’s the “No Day is Complete Unless I Get My Work Out In” school. I belong to the second (in case you’re wondering, golf in an electric cart counts). I will workout unless the weather outside is particularly terrible. And in that case, I’ve got a gym in walking distance. But then Covid hit. And it turns out my local gym reported a case of Covid. And it turns out, the person who got Covid lives in my building. On my floor. And it turns out, we play golf together every Friday in the nice weather, so now it’s back to exercising outside. My friend, by the way, is recovering nicely. And I hurriedly got a test and it was negative. So unsurprisingly, both of this week’s comics have to do with how to get and stay in shape during the pandemic.

One way is to order one of those treadmills which promise the experience of a gym class (think spin class but on a treadmill) in the privacy of your home. Now I know people love them, but, if you’ve ever taken a gym class, you can find much to hate about them as well. Hell, some of them are even called “boot camps.” No thank you very much. John and I discussed it and we found different things to hate. For me, it was the instructor with the headset and microphone yelling at me over the blaring disco music. Disco music? Who the hell listens to disco music anymore? Apparently, these people do. Or maybe it’s not called disco anymore. Maybe it’s EDM (electronic dance music for you old farts) but whatever, it was a horrible experience I will never repeat. For John, it was the yelling. But screaming, virtual instructors aside, these things are amazing. You can walk, you can hike (can somebody please explain the difference to me?), you can jog or run, you can look at the instructor as she/he implores/induces/screams at you to keep going. Hell, you can even have the virtual instructor take over the machine for you and make the incline harder as they he/she/they ramps up the speed while you watch the sun set over the Cinque Terra instead of watching the screaming virtual instructor. Well, you get the drift.

The other comic this week stems from a story I told John about a sweatshirt I bought when staying in Westwood, CA, to shoot a commercial. Having some free time one day, I roamed the UCLA campus and went into the bookstore and bought a UCLA sweatshirt, which to this day remains one of my favorite sweatshirts to work out in. Except. Except I never attended UCLA, never thought about going there, my kids didn’t go there, my wife didn’t go there, nobody I’m related to went there, and almost every time I wear the damn thing and go out for a walk or jog, someone gives me a thumbs up and yells something about the school, like Go Bruins! And I fail to react because I don’t even realize they’re talking to me until several steps later, at which point they’ve written me off as a complete jerk. So now, it has become the sweatshirt of last resort, unless I can cover it up with a down vest or a parka. Upon hearing this story, John (who loves to laugh at my expense) had already written and done a rough sketch of the comic.

So that’s it for this week as we roar into December and the holiday season. Stay safe and thanks for being such a good and loyal audience. We really appreciate it, and that’s no joke.

Andy and John

Thanks for nuthin' 2020 11/27/2020

2020 can kiss our collective butts goodbye. But before it goes we ended our three part advertising saga and John did a Covid-themed Norman Rockwell poster for Thanksgiving. First, about Thanksgiving. We hope you enjoyed yours. We’ll have a distant one, with one kid and her husband in Brooklyn and our son in Colorado. While John and Linda will have two family members visiting and for the rest an equally scattered holiday. For all the wonderful memories Thanksgiving brings, there’s also the political arguments, the aggressive cheek pinching, and drunk uncles falling asleep watching football, so at least there’s a little bit less of that, though to be truthful, this was written before Thanksgiving and I might have too much wine, affectionately pinch Joanie’s cheek and fall asleep watching football, but not during the Steelers-Ravens night game, which might actually be exciting. And I have one question about turkey. If it’s so unbelievably damn good, why does nobody think about making it any other night of the year? Ever? Just asking.

Now onto the ad thing. We all love funny Super Bowl ads with great jokes and visuals at the end, like 90-year-old Abe Vigoda getting tackled at the end of a Dorito’s commercial a few years back. But almost nobody admits to liking a good jingle. We remember them, that’s for sure, but like them? Well, that’s a different story. We all like things we are embarrassed to admit. I, for instance, like Neil Diamond. And This Is Us. As well as a good jingle. But you didn’t hear that here. And when Al is confronted by his buddy on how well the jingle served his business, he was forced to admit it did pretty damned well. That’s his story and he’s sticking with it.

As 2020 comes to close to a close, we hope a vaccine is around the corner followed by a sense of normalcy and hopefully a book of New 60 Comics which will be a perfect holiday gift for next year, hint, hint.

Have a great weekend and we’ll see you next week which is already December. Yikes, how time flies,

Andy and John

On Advertising 11/20/2020

Ahh advertising. It’s a career I spent 39 years in and John spent almost as long (he’s just 5 years younger). And it’s a career I’d like to think we know a little bit about. A little bit. And it’s the career we used to do before this new career as underemployed cartoonists. So when we were talking about new topics to explore for some upcoming strips, we thought, why not write about advertising? Al has a pizza franchise, Pizza-on-a-Stick, so let him try to come up with a new campaign that will take his franchise to the moon (that’s the way they talk in advertising). They say stuff like, “We want to own the casual dining experience.” Or, “We want to own the weekend.” Now the question is, who exactly gave you ownership of a particular day of the week/time of day/mealtime/or made you the official non-alcoholic beverage of the Kansas City Royals? And the answer is, who cares? And that attitude is probably why we’re both doing a comic strip instead of creating ads. That and being over 60, which is a fate worse than death (unless you own the agency, and maybe not then either), but I digress. From our years in the ad wars, we know that franchises like Al’s are given ads from “Corporate Headquarters” in places like Akron, Topeka or Cincinnati. Usually, they hate it. And frequently the individual franchisees want to run their own stuff. And therein lies the tension for the first two comics in our three part series. The third and final part is coming next Tuesday.

Here’s a dirty little secret about most creative people. They thumb their noses at pop culture, figuring anyone can do that, but what I do, now that’s special. So Al’s reaction is based somewhat on that emotion. But he doesn’t want to admit to that so he latches onto another popular trend that has taken off, thanks to the internet. Crowd sourcing. What does that mean, you ask? It means fielding ideas from the crowd (online in general, but in this case from his store employees) for free, but then you only have to pay the person if their idea has actually been chosen. It’s just another way for an agency to not have to pay so many employees. It doesn’t matter if the ideas stink, they’re free! Well, in this case, the crowd sourced idea is so bad, it matters. And the trouble is, even though Al detests that jingle, he can’t top it. More on that next Tuesday.

Anyone want to crowd source some comics?

Have a great weekend

Andy and John

Getting in Shape 11/13/2020

Happy Friday the 13th. You know, there’s all different kinds of getting in shape. You could be in shape for running a marathon, but that does not get you in shape for bringing up a new baby. You could be in shape for being a college student, partying all night and still managing to go to class the next day, while staying up all night the next night studying to pass the test you’re about to take the day after that. That’s one kind of shape. But it doesn’t prepare you for the kind of shape you have to be in to commute while working a full-time job. And that doesn’t prepare you for the kind of shape you have to be in to work a full-time job while being a new parent. Suddenly those mid-week all-night parties are a thing of the past, or else you too will be a thing of the past. At least at work. So Al, in our first comic, preps for watching sports on a Sunday afternoon from 9:30 am all the way through Sunday Night Football which usually doesn’t end until 11:30 pm or midnight. Now that takes a certain type of stamina. So I’ve heard. It can be done, but you have to allow for a few naps along the way. Especially if there’s beer and hot dogs involved. And chips. And guac. Not to mention salsa. A chocolate chip cookie. And the occasional 5 mg. gummy. Again I reiterate, not that I’d know.

Now onto our second comic, which was actually the third in our “Sam’s a New Dad” trilogy. I know, it’s not as intergalactically impressive as saying “The Star Wars Trilogy,” but first of all, “Star Wars“ had a much bigger ad budget and secondly, they had about 6,000 movies so how the hell is that a trilogy? “Sam’s a New Dad” is a real, honest to goodness, trilogy. It takes us all the way from when he first became a new dad to when he settled in to becoming a new dad. Now maybe that doesn’t sound like a very long journey to you but remember those first few days of first-time parenthood? That was a looooong journey. Now imagine going through it at age 60. At this age, what he lacks in energy, he makes up for in money and (hopefully) patience. And that explains the $900 jogging stroller, a “must-have” for any new parent of means.

All right, have a happy Friday the 13th unless you have triskaidekaphobia (fear of the number 13). If that’s the case we gently suggest, GET OVER IT!

ps: I never heard of triskaidekaphobia either until John, aka Mr. Smarty Pants, brought it up

See you next week with two brand new comics and a brand-new saga.

Andy and John

New Dad 11/06/2020

Confession: we rented a house in East Hampton for our 30th anniversary in 2014 and never looked back. We’ve done it every year since. Why do I mention that? One it’s a great bribe to get your kids to come and visit you all the time. But the other reason is you see all sorts of sights. From the beautiful…the pristine beaches, spectacular sunsets, the golden light … to the less than beautiful … including older, saggy men with young starlets strolling down said pristine beach. And that leads into today’s comics. Sort of. It’s not that Sam is in his 80’s and Shellie in her 20’s (and believe me, I’ve seen that combo). It’s not even that he has attracted her with his spectacular wealth and power (of which he has neither). It’s just that he married a significantly younger woman. And we thought that might affect the dynamic between Al, Marv and Sam. Primarily because Al’s wife Joanne and Marv’s wife Rachel liked Sam’s first wife and related to her, and they were all part of the same generation. But this new young whippersnapper Shellie, as they say in Brooklyn, fuhgeddaboudit. Except now Shellie (the young whippersnapper is 40, mind you) has had a baby, and this brings Rachel and Joanne around. And it’s going to make Sam’s life far different from his buddys’ lives all over again. First they were the ones who couldn’t stay out late, who had to cancel plans because they couldn’t find a baby sitter, who were always exhausted, but now HE is goingto be the one experiencing all of that when Al and Marv can stay out as late as they want (of course, being in their 60’s that’s not very late, but it’s nice to have options). The first comic also touches on the fact that men are basically babies themselves. Think about it. The woman does all the carrying. Goes through all the nausea. Bares all the labor pain and is the baby’s source of nutrition. And Sam sort of feels bad that all the attention is on the baby and Shellie. We all go through personal growing pains. Sam is about to go through his.

The second comic, on the same topic, touches on the ways in which society has changed and keeps on changing. When we grew up we had chocolate cigarettes and even better big, fat chocolate cigars (only milk chocolate in those days, thank you very much) and who can forget Big League Chew, which took a cancerous product like chewing tobacco and reformulated it as shards of bubble gum. It even came in a resealable pouch just like the real thing. In the past we ran a comic about a grandchild’s horror that Al was still using plastic straws. And so today, we thought one further shock to Sam’s reality was that he no longer could pass out cigars. But hey, organic fruit rollups are almost just as good. Especially when paired with an aged 12-year old scotch. Sam’s life is about to change big time.

Ours, not so much. We’ll see you next week with two new ones.

Andy and John

New Rules 10/30/2020

With apologies to Bill Maher, we’ve stolen the end title of his show to make a semi-clever headline for the blog. Shameless, I know. And it applies more to the second comic in your scroll anyway, so the hell with it. First off, we wanted the chance to showcase some of John’s other talents. Besides illustrating and writing and animating, he is a renowned pumpkin carver every Halloween. But what if you weren’t so renown and your grandchild wanted to carve pumpkins with you? What would you do then, huh? You’d have to pretend you knew what you’re talking about wouldn’t you? I ask because neither of us are grandparents yet but one of us is about to become one in May, God willing. We will reveal who when the time comes. Anyway, there’s only a short period of time when your kids think you know everything, and if you’re reading this blog, chances are your kids have figured you out a long time ago. (Okay, an extremely long time ago.) But then there are the grandkids, and for a few years, we can still fool them. But some kids are more artistic than others and in this case, you can’t even fool them. So this first Halloween comic is a take at how it feels when the kid figures you out. (In my case I knew I was done artistically when my daughter hit 1st grade. She had to do a diorama about the Wild West in a shoe box for class. When she asked me for cotton balls to represent clouds, I knew I was toast.) I’m sure John’s kids had a higher bar to climb.

Our second spot came out of our New England trip. This is the third and final comic from that trip but it centered on outdoor dining. Our kids are way more responsible than we are during the pandemic, mostly because they don’t want to be the cause of us keeling over. So each night of the two nights we were there, we ate outside. In October. In Maine. At night. And did I mention we were outside? One night the restaurant had large propane lamps and we asked the waiter if he could please move the one over there just a wee bit closer to our table. Immediately there were howls of protest from the table who’d had it moved closer to them before we got there, the bastards. Thankfully they were on dessert when we were just starting, so as soon as they signed their check, boom, we moved the lamp closer. But on the second night, well no such luck. No heat lamps. Because every freakin’ restaurant for miles around had ordered them way before so there are no more to be had. And here’s a public service. You know the kind where you can see flames all the way up the stem? Well they’re not as good as the mushroom shaped ones with the flame only at the top. The curved top makes the heat radiate down towards you. So if you insist on eating outside this winter, remember this tip. And also, buy some stock in a propane gas company. But what I most remembered about our cold, outside, non-heated meals were the attempted smiles on everyone’s faces, as if to say, no problem here, we’re being responsible AND we’re enjoying the hell out of ourselves. The truth was revealed when the waiter asked us if anyone wanted coffee or dessert and the whole table simultaneously shouted, “NO!” before the waiter could finish his sentence. My softly uttered “Cappuccino and creme brulee please” got lost under the emphatic roar of the “no.” John came up with the “anyone interested in our blanket menu” line and we thought that was a more unexpected way to go, so there you have it. But truth be told, I’m still a little peeved about missing out on the creme brulee.

So th-th-th-that’s all folks for this week. Enjoy your no trick or treat Halloween and prepare for your no family Thanksgiving and we will see you (virtually, of course) next week with two new ones.

But first, a long awaited promise to show you a link to John’s pumpkin carving expertise. It’s worth it, if you can figure out how to open it. Which of course depends on my ability to copy and paste it. Here goes:

https://www.facebook.com/outrageouspumpkins

Happy Halloween,

Andy and John

Getting Carried Away 10/23/2020

In the last blog I revealed that my wife and I went to Portland, Maine, a couple of weeks ago while John and his wife went to the Cape. We both visited New England, and I promised that these would lead to several comics. The first on your list is about my favorite show courtesy of Mother Nature, the changing of the leaves. The breathtaking beauty of red, orange, gold, green and yellow leaves. But the New York area (where we live) is awash in another less beautiful tradition. And that is a not so silent competition about being and experiencing “the best.” When it comes to leaves, that means going during “Peak Season.” What is the proper definition of peak season? Duh, It’s the weekend you choose to go leaf-peeping. But there is an unofficial definition as well. And it changes depending on where you live. On the east coast, it starts earliest up north, where the days get shorter and the nights get colder a lot quicker than they do further south. Hence, states like Maine and Vermont and New Hampshire see their leaves ablaze in color weeks sooner than in New York. New Yorkers want to brag that they are seeing the leaves at their peak, and the locals take great delight in proving them wrong. And that was the premise for our first comic. Marv and Rachel just loved, loved, loved the spectacular colors but they needed the approval of a local to tell them they were there at the exact right time. And when they found out it was past peak, well then the leaves weren’t quite so beautiful. Confession: neither John nor I are competitive about silly things like that, though I must point out that since Cape Cod, Massachusetts, is well south of Portland, Maine, that we saw much much better leaves than they did.

Comic 2 in your scroll had absolutely nothing to with our mutual trips to New England. But it has everything to do with the dread that lies close beneath the surface of each and every one of us. Fear of Covid. (I sneezed, that’s a sign! I think I might have a temperature, that’s a sign. I’m really tired tonight. Is that a sign? Well you got only 5 hours of sleep last night and you hiked 8 miles, so that could have something to do with it. No that’s not it, I’ve got to get tested.)

The point is that so many people have contracted it, and nobody really knows how they contracted it, that we will go to any length to avoid it. Including my taking a jog in the rain so as not to run on the nice, indoor treadmill at my local gym, only a five-minute walk away. Fear of Covid even conspired to ruin Al’s Taco Night. Fortunately, in Al’s case, he will live to see another comic which next week will feature yet another New England inspired misadventure.

That’s it for now, and we’ll be back with two new ones for Halloween weekend, where there will be no trick or treating, which is a real shame, especially since John is a champion pumpkin carver. We’ll put a link to his personal site up next week so you can view his work.

Have a great weekend,

Andy and John

Too Much Info (TMI) 10/16/2020

We all know about TMI, too much information. It’s like when a little kid asks, “where do babies come from,” and you tell them the real truth, “You see the man sticks his…” that’s classic TMI. All the kid wants to hear is, “The stork drops them off through the chimney,” or some similar nonsense. But this tendency to divulge too much happens in all aspects of our lives. Note the endless shows about politics and what this crucial decision means moving forward, but if each state can do “x”, than that will result in “y”, which will overturn our entire system of justice and our democracy will be at stake. Both John and I have inquired about participating in making phone calls encouraging people to get out and vote. And we got to wondering, how would those phone calls be received by the people we were calling? There are actual training sessions available teaching you how to deal with the recipients of said calls. “1) Engage their level of interest, if it’s high go to b) if not, revert to point a). Nowhere do they tell you what to do if the recipient of your call tells you to go f#*k yourself, which we imagine might occur on a fairly regular basis. Now of course, we are both from the New York area which might account for our cynical views, but it formed the basis for the first comic today. It’s another example of the cliche, “No good deed goes unpunished.”

Next up came from a trip my family took a couple of weeks ago to Portland, Maine at the same time John’s family went to Cape Cod. Several good ideas for future comics came out of these mutual trips, but today’s emanated from a Sunday morning visit to Holy Donuts in Portland. I have a very good friend who has a wicked love for donuts. To make you hate him even worse, he’s really thin, not an ounce of body fat on him. But man, does he love donuts. So when we told him we were heading off to Portland, he said, you’ve got to try Holy Donuts. They’re made with real Maine potatoes. Now what is a potato doing inside a donut? I don’t know and I don’t care but it tasted great. Like the best donut I can ever remember eating. But back to the TMI thing. Me, my wife, daughter and son-in-law stood outside the line debating what to order. There were more flavors than I ever knew existed. What happened to the glazed cake donut, or the chocolate donut with icing and sprinkles or, heaven forbid, the old-fashioned jelly donut? When we approached the counter, we read the menu. And not only were there choices like lemon zest or coffee cake or maple-glazed with bacon, there were all those versions in gluten-free or vegan varieties — not the bacon one, of course, which is what I ordered—but all the rest. And lest I forget , one of the flavors I requested was sold out, however if I wanted the sweet potato donut version as opposed to the regular potato version, I was welcome to order it. I declined. But it made for a pretty funny idea for a comic. I have one question about the whole experience. Was the line so long because the donuts were so delicious (they were everything my skinny friend promised they would be) or was it so long because there was too much damn information about the myriad number of donut choices available? Verdict, I don’t know and after my first bite, I no longer cared.

Thanks for sticking around to read the blog and if you like reading it as much as I enjoy writing it, then please tell your friends about it. Thanks and we’ll see you next week with two new ones.

Have a great weekend,

Andy and John

We're not getting old, just older 10/09/2020

There was an episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm last year where Larry David wants to go to the bathroom, but this old man using a walker is ahead of him and Larry can’t pass him in the hallway. So behind the guy’s back, Larry waves his arms in a “come on already, get a move on!” type of gesture. I must admit to that feeling sometimes (okay a lot of times) (okay, all the time) but our first comic today is the total opposite of that. It summons our better angels. Kind of like Mike Pence during the debate Wednesday, expressing thanks to Kamala and Biden for their well wishes towards President Trump and Melania’s recoveries. It’s such a relief from the constant fighting, but face it, conflict is much more entertaining. That’s why most of our comics are about some kind of conflict, but this time, we thought we’d try something different. Maybe it’s that we’re getting nicer as we get older but maybe it’s that as we feel more vulnerable, we want to be treated the way Al’s son treated him in this strip. At least in my case, it’s the latter.

Full disclosure: when we decided the plot was going to revolve around building something, an age-old father-son activity, I told John, “You’re gonna have to figure out what they build because I’ve never done anything like this in my life, I’m Jewish.” Except for that one time when my daughter Ali moved into her first Brooklyn apartment with two former college roommates. I took her to Ikea and we bought bookshelves, among other things, and I mounted them above the desk in her bedroom. Luckily she went to work everyday because a couple weeks later, the whole assembly, books and all, came crashing down on her desk when she wasn’t there, thank goodness. But like I said, I’m Jewish.

The second comic features the little kid falling asleep but grandpa keeps reading anyway. Well John had experienced that as a dad, and I have a television version of the same story. Many years ago, when our kids were still at home, we joined them in watching one of their favorite shows, Dawson’s Creek. As the weeks passed, we got into it with them and it became a family activity every Wednesday (or whatever day of the week it was) evening. As we got into the next season though, something happened. The kids started losing interest but Joanie and I were riveted. It got to the point where we were watching it alone because they couldn’t be bothered with such a babyish show. I must admit we watched it right until the series finale when Mitch Leary, Dawson’s father, tragically lost his life. He was driving at night down a two-lane, unlit country road while licking an ice cream cone. The top scoop fell off and he reached down to pick it back up. By the time he was sitting upright he had crossed the yellow line and a two ton truck was roaring to him…I can’t go on. But this is all a (very) long-winded way of saying that sometimes we get more caught up in our kids’ or grandkids’ activities even more than they do.

Enjoy the weekend, and follow our rule, don’t eat outdoors unless the restaurants have a freaking heat lamp!

Andy and John

Dealing with age 10/02/2020

Wine gets better with age. Not necessarily us. When I was just a wee lad in my late 30’s, my dentist sent me to the periodontist. He was performing oral surgery (I don’t recommend it; it’s not as much fun as it sounds) and he was cutting this, and lifting that, blah, bah, blah. I asked him, “Doc, why is everything falling apart in my mouth?” And he gave me an answer I never forgot. He said, “The way I figure, your biological imperative is to replace yourself in the human race. Well, you’re more than capable of doing that by the time you’re around 17. The only reason we wait much longer is because of advances in science and health and education. But by the time you’re 17 you can have a kid and by the time that kid is 17, your biolgoical reason for being on this earth is over. So that’s why by age 35, everything starts to go downhill. Your eyesight, aches and pains, your hair turns grey, etc. Make sense?” Yes and thank you for totally bumming me out. (Author’s note: I don’t feel I’m bumming you guys out because we’re already older, right? Don’t answer.) But it’s that kind of insight that inspired our first comic. So you can’t touch your toes without bending your knees anymore? You can no longer drive the golfball 260 yards? You can’t run a 10k in under an hour anymore (who are we kidding, you can’t run a 10K period). Join the club. But on the bright side, we get a lot more time off and at the end of the weekend, we can send the grandkids back home.

Our second comic derives from the fact that the more app developers try to make our lives easier, the more complicated they become. I paid my dentist (no, not the guy from the last paragraph) with my online banking app. Then my dentist lowered the price and said, “No worries, just send us another check for the lesser amount and we’ll rip up your more expensive check when it comes in.” And they did just that, but then when I tried to remove the charge from my account, fuhgeddaboutit! We’re sure you all have horror stories with Zelle, Venmo, Paypal and the like, so that is what we tackled. And by the way, even if you DO master Venmo, good luck trying to put in the person’s proper Venmo address. That’s it for now.

At any rate, read ‘em and laugh and we’ll be back at ya’ next week with two new ones.

Andy and John

On tailgating and stuffed drawers 09/25/2020

So I called my buddy Rich up and asked, where are we watching the Giants game Monday night? 3 of us were going to congregate at his house. Then he asked his wife Sue and she was understandably uncomfortable with that idea. Then I offered my apartment and nobody thought that was a good idea either. So we all sat in our individual homes and texted. Not as good. But we have to adjust. No fans, nobody coming over, yikes. I spoke to John about this and offered that they used to have big screens outside Giants stadium, and why couldn’t the guys in our comic get together and tailgate in the parking lot. His response was, “Would they even let you in? I don’t think so.” So we put our heads together and came up with going to the local sports bar. You’re certainly not going to sit inside, but then when you sit outside, could you possibly see the tv inside? Answer: no. Then we thought, if you’ve ever asked to make a call or send a text in a restaurant, you’d have their wireless password, and bingo, our first comic this week was born. The point is, we’re social animals so we’ll figure out a way to get together somehow. But just keep your damn mask on, okay? And around the chin doesn’t count. Neither does under the nose. In the words of Bill Maher, that’s like wearing a condom around your balls. So around your nose and under your chin and then we’re cool, capiche?

Our second comic deals with accumulating stuff. Boxes of stuff, drawers of stuff, magazine racks of stuff, bookshelves of, well, you get the drift. There’s one particular drawer in my kitchen with some knives, a juice-squeezer, tongs, etc. Half the time we open it, it gets stuck. Then you have to root around with your hand to turn something flat so the drawer opens. For instance, we have three pairs of scissors. One of them are the “good scissors”, the ones that work, but we keep the others around “just in case.” When we moved from a house to an apartment we got rid of lots of stuff, like the kids old soccer and baseball equipment, and (sigh) several boxes of lp records, which never made it out of the garage because we just had a cd player.

After all that cleaning out however, we now have new electronic stuff. SInce John is an artist and illustrator, he has even more stuff than I do, but we ran through the list of SWK (Shit We Keep) and came up with the list that appears in this comic. John came up with the electric gooseneck candlelighter, since he actually has one that plugs into a USB port. I still have a butane powered one, though I have no idea where I keep the butane, so when the lighter runs out, I buy more butane to go along with the butane I can’t find, and we wonder how we accumulate so much stuff? How do we avoid getting overrun with it? I have a theory that in every relationship there’s a hoarder and a chucker-outer. I personally have a limit of 3 back issues of any magazine. When we have more than three of any magazine, New York, New Yorker, Bon Appetit, Vanity Fair, I surreptitiously chuck it out. Shhh, don’t tell anyone. But damn, since my wife proof reads the blog every week, she’s going to find out. Oh well.

Have a nice weekend and for our Jewish friends, we hope your fast isn’t too painful (but face it, you’ve probably got a lot to atone for). See you next week.

Andy and John

On losing stuff 09/17/2020

Today’s first comic came right out of a real life experience. It was Friday morning, I was getting my stuff together before leaving to play golf. My cell phone rings. It’s John, asking me a question about next week’s comic. As we spoke, I was busy putting things in a bag. A sandwich, some water, grapes, golf balls, so I was a little distracted. I kept looking around and couldn’t find something. Then I couldn’t remember what it was I couldn’t find. I told John I had to get off the phone so I could find something, and then it occurred to me what I was trying to find. My phone. The very one I had been using to speak with John. Bingo. Comic #1. So that’s the good news. The bad news is this: what level of hell is it when you not only can’t remember where you put something, you also forget what you’re looking for? I’ll say this about that: it doesn’t happen often but it happens more often than it used to. If given the choice, I guess I’d rather lose my phone than my mind. Now, what was I talking about?

Next on your dial is a conversation we had about how much social interaction we allow in our lives. John and his wife Linda have a small core group they socialize with and if people come over to the house, they stay outside. Everyone in the group is mindful and protective about the coronavirus. But what about the people they hang out with, huh? I mean, if you’re the kind of person that limits your grocery shopping to twice a month, do you want to hang out with someone who goes once a week? And who knows how often their friends go grocery shopping anyway? Or eat outside at a restaurant? And now that it’s getting colder, are you willing to eat inside if they limit the seating to 25% capacity? Just how much are you willing to risk for that plate of linguini alla vongole?

So we imagined what it would be like to go over our list of friends and family to decide who makes the cut and who doesn’t this coming season. And how much do we even know about what our partners have done today and how often they’ve washed their hands? All I know is we’ve used an unbelievable amount of question marks in this blog? Even unnecessary ones like in that last sentence.

Well, we hope that answers all your questions and I’d tell you to make sure you read the blog, but you’re already reading it, so never mind.

Have a great weekend and we’ll be back next week with two new ones.

Andy and John

Back to School and Other Fun Topics 09/11/2020

Imagine if you had a kid going back to college. What would you do? Spend up to $70,000 so he/she can sit in a dorm room with a mask and take classes online? And what if you’re a professor like our character Craig? You might think you know your students, but do you really? Craig imagines (hopes) they’ll be on their best behavior. What we imagined? Animal House. Just a quick aside. As I write this today, I may be a bit distracted. Two reasons. One, there’s a crane working outside with a power saw that sounds like either a high-powered dentist’s drill or a gigantic fly. And there’s an actual fly bugging the shit out of me flying around my apartment as I type. Excuse me for a minute. Finally, he’s dead. No, not the guy with the saw, the fly. The fly ended his life being swatted by an issue of People Magazine. At least it’s good for something. But back to college or back to school virtually. I know how I was in college and I know how my friends were back then and it seems like socially distant, responsible behavior is a lot to ask from a bunch of 18-21 year olds. On the other hand, we understand the need for community. This first comic tries to capture the dichotomy.

Next up was what we imagined we might do if we had to get on a plane. My wife’s mother is still alive and turned 99. She lives either a 45 minute plane ride or 6 1/2 hour car ride away. We drove. Let us count the reasons it’s scary to fly. No, in fact let’s not. Instead I will tell you why I am reluctant. One morning, I saw Dr. Joseph Fair, the head infectious disease specialist for NBC on the Today Show. Only he was doing the segment from his hospital bed, where he was recovering from the Coronavirus. He wore a mask, he swabbed down the seats and all the fold-down tables in his row. He was asked how he got it after all those precautions and said, “My best guess is I caught it through my eyes.” Okay, that was enough for yours truly, even though I wear glasses. Maybe if they come up with a hip stylish hazmat suit (anyone for camouflage?), we’ll hop on a plane. But until then, have a wonderful fall and we hope your football team, wherever you live, wins the SuperBowl. As long as it’s the Giants. Okay, John likes the Jets, so them too. And if you’re from somewhere else, don’t worry, neither of our teams has a prayer.

Have a great weekend,

Andy and John

Watching the river flow, and the summer go 09/04/2020

First of all, an early Happy Labor Day to everyone. We pictured a typical Labor Day cookout, 2020 style. So what if Al mistakenly squirts some hand sanitizer on his hot dog. At least it’s sanitized. As summer turns into fall, the virus still hasn’t gone away, people (for the most part) are still not going back to offices and schools are trying to figure out what to do. And sports! We’ve gone from having none at all to having everything at once (yep, football is a week away). So enjoy this long weekend away before work and school should be starting and then get back to whatever it was you were doing before Labor Day. And one more thing, just use the hand sanitizer on your hands.

Next up was a subject for the kind of disagreement comic creators have with each other. I used to think advertising conversations were silly (this beer is made for weekends, this one is for weeknights, but with this positioning, we can own Friday nights), but this one may have taken the proverbial cake. A couple weeks ago I went into the ocean on an East Hampton beach with a friend of mine. Hot day, cold water. He said, “This is refreshing,” and I said, “I gotta pee,” to which he replied, “Let me stand upstream.” I thought that was so funny I wrote it down when I got out of the ocean. I called John and pitched the idea and this is what followed (with allowances for my memory, which at 67 years old is not getting sharper). Me: So the guy says, Wait till I get upstream. John: There is no upstream in an ocean. Me: Nobody will think of that. John: I just did. Remember how many letters we got correcting us on the difference between Medicare and Medicaid? Me: True. John: So we’ll just have the scene play out in the river. Me: But, I wrote in last week’s newsletter that we would have a comic at the beach this weekend. John: Oceans have tides, not streams. Me: Fine, let ‘em pee in the damn river.

Note: outside of that, we never disagree about anything.

Well, maybe not anything.

One thing we do agree on is to thank you all for being such ardent and loyal readers of the New 60. And we will be back to you next week with two new ones hot off the press.

Andy and John

Summer's going, going... 08/28/2020

As we all cope with the end of summer and the Covid season, we thought about how things have changed. And there’s no better way to express ourselves than another entry in our “Then and Now” series. In the past we contrasted passing around a joint with passing around reading glasses (one is much more fun), sex then and now, and since it is the summer, we took a shot at how we take in the sun. My mother used to put on baby oil and iodine and then hold a reflector under her face. John never knew her and we never discussed this, but he just showed me a picture of “Then” and I said, “Holy shit, that’s my mom.” As for the “Now,” well, that’s easy. Cover up and cover up the cover up some more. At the beach a couple weeks ago, a friend proudly wore a zip hoodie wth UPF 50+. Now I have no idea what the hell “UPF”stands for, but it sounds extremely protective. In short, we love the sun and summer, but do everything in our power to protect ourselves from it.

The second comic came from a discussion about what to do with the grandkids when you’re stuck inside. There’s always the jigsaw puzzle and John introduced me to a trick I’d never heard of. He knows a lot of tricks I never heard of (apparently I lived a very sheltered childhood), but this one was so good visually, we had to make it into a comic. Seriously, what kid would go to the trouble of finding all the pieces that go in the middle of the puzzle, hide them when grandpa wasn’t looking, and then sneak under the table to place his face in the missing hole? Who would even think of that. Hmm, maybe someone extremely visual like, John? Huh?

At any rate, we hope you enjoyed this week’s comics and we will be back with our end of summer strips and then, it’s onto flu season. Enjoy!

Andy and John

Nothing's on tv and doin' nothing 08/21/2020

With no movies, and not much going out to dinner, a lot of us are spending a lot more time together and watching a lot more tv. And when you do get to see friends, you find out they’re doing much the same. Not surprisingly, the conversation turns to some form of “Did you see that great series on TV?” Pre-pandemic, the answer usually was, “We did not.” But now, at least before the baseball season resumed, we had a chance to catch up on all we missed. There was Ozark and Catastrophe and Schitt’s Creek and Little Fires Everywhere and The Morning Show, to name a few. We loved them. And then there was Fleabag. When I mentioned to John that I was laughing my ass off, while Joanie was only watching politely, he said he had a similar experience. When it came to Ozark, at least in my household, we were both so into it. We’d ask each other questions like, “What do you think will happen next?” or “Why did Wendy do that?” Does she want to die?” For Fleabag, it was, “What’s the name of that show again?” And so our first comic of the week was born. It is another version of “Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus”. I can barely stay awake during an awards show, whereas I find the Mets endlessly fascinating, even when they’re 3 games below .500. Don’t ask. Well, we can always watch the political conventions. Or not.

Next up comes from a common experience and a twist on a joke we heard from our friend, Marvin Waldman. The joke was about feeling a sense of accomplishment from doing nothing. Just make it feel like something. There’s an old cliche that states, if you want to get something done, give it to somebody who’s busy. Conversely, you don’t want to give the assignment to someone who has nothing to do. They have the time to mull over every decision from inside and out and take forever to complete the task. For instance, now that I’m retired (except for this comic strip) I was supposed to return two items to our storage locker (less than half a mile away) and still haven’t gotten to it 4 days later. In contrast, when I was working full time in advertising, my wife was pregnant with our first child, and we had to move from the city into a townhouse in a nearby suburb, we took a train out during lunch, stopped by the condo development office, and chose the wallpaper, kitchen floor, cabinets, lighting fixtures and window treatments in under and hour and took the next train back to work.

Maybe having too much time is a problem. But I’ll take it.

Have a terrific weekend and enjoy the last of the summer. We will be back next week with two new ones.

Andy and John

The world is a confusing place 08/14/2020

Is it just us, or does the world seem harder to understand for you guys as well? John and I worked in ad agencies of all different sizes. When we started in the late 70’s and early 80’s there were people who worked for the same agency for their entire careers and retired with a pension and stock. You shot your commecials in LA, stayed in nice hotels, flew business class, entertained your clients and ate great meals. Seemed like a terrific deal. Today, not so much. Who needs to fly? Who needs a camera? Shoot it on an iPhone. Why pay $1 million for a commercial when you can shoot one for $10,000? And really, who needs to pay all that money to an older copywriter or art director when you can get 3 kids for half the price? Trust us, it is confusing. But on the bright side, if it wasn’t for that system, and we were still writing commercials, you wouldn’t be getting these comics. Of course we’d be getting rich, but it’s much more important to service you. And if you believe that, we’ve got some land we’d like to sell you…

At any rate, when the end is near you can see it coming from a mile down the road. Marv was going through similar changes in the printing industry and we thought we’d bring some of our own experiences to the table in figuring out what would eventually happen to him. When offered the chance to take an “early retirement” he jumped at it. And now Marv will think about his “Second Act.” Just as long as it doesn’t involve playing the harmonica.

The next strip practically wrote itself. John’s dad had a high school yearbook where most of the women described themselves as “gay.” My stepmother to this day will describe a party as “gay.” So when John had the thought to make this insight into a comic, I jumped aboard. It’s crazy how language changes and how meanings change and if you don’t make an effort to keep up, it can get pretty confusing. Fret not. We’re here to clear all that up. When Fred Flintstone had a “gay old time,” he wasn’t cheating on the side with Barney Rubble. A birthday party was something you attended, not some organization promoting Kanye West for president. And weed was something you pulled out of your garden, not something you smoked.

We sincerely hope that clears up all the confusion. Stay safe we’ll see you next week and may all your weekends be festive and gay.

Andy and John

Get out there and participate! Or don't. 08/07/2020

What is more romantic than a sun-dappled trip on a kayak for two? Sparkling water, just the two of you paddling in harmony, as you drift through the calm currents on your way to who knows where? My wife, Joanie, and I experienced this tranquility during a trip to Thailand a few years back. Somehow the harmonious part didn’t work out as planned. When I pitched this idea to John, he then went on to explain, the person in the back is just the rudder. All she or he has to do is steer the kayak. The person in the front does all the paddling. And you don’t have to switch sides everytime you paddle. A few strokes on your left side, then gently switch over to your right. In the words of Homer Simpson, “Doh!” Now you tell me. But because John had no trouble figuring out the action and dialogue, I knew he went through the same experience I did, not that he’d readily admit it. Sorry John. What follows is an amalgamation of what happened. Easiest comic we’ve ever done. And to add insult to injury, Joanie and I witnessed another couple on the Thai kayak excursion, paddling in perfect harmony, not a care in the world. Which stood in sharp contrast to our thinking, “When is this f*@^ing thing over already?” Oh and one more thing, those HK’s (harmonious kayakers) were even older than we were, which made our lack of skill even more infuriating. Maybe we’ll get out there on the Hudson River and give it another try. Maybe not.

The second comic strip comes in the aftermath of one of those wonderful field trips at work. You know, the kind that encourage “bonding” or, my favorite expression, “team-building”? Why is it that people who have no knowledge or interest in sports persist in using sports analogies in business. Case in point, I had someone tell me just days ago, that an almost-completed project was “on the 98th-yard line.” I had to correct him and tell him, “No, that would be the two-yard line,” the numbers go up to 50 and then down to 0. And there was another colleague I am very friendly with who used to say, “That’s a straight ball down the middle” (as opposed to a fastball for the non-sporting among you). Do you think I was bigger than the moment and didn’t correct her? Think again.

Anyway, I digress. When John and I put our heads together, we wondered, would we be able to hide our true feelings during a team-building exercise or would we give away what was really going on inside (some form of “Just get me the hell out of here”)? And John came up with the idea of a participation trophy, which seemed to hit the proverbial nail on the head. Or to use another sports analogy, he really hit a touchdown with that one.

Have a good weekend as the summer rips along towards its eventual conclusion. Soon it will be back to school and back to work. Oh, wait a minute…

Andy and John