ON POLITICAL CORRECTNESS AND WAITING

“Patience is a virtue,” claimed English poet William Langland in 1360. That’s a long time ago. But today, some 662 years later, we are asked to be constantly patient. Waiting on line at the drugstore, waiting online while that stupid beachball from hell keeps spinning on your computer screen, waiting for a fellow texter to respond, waiting for a table at a popular restaurant (“as soon as that table pays the check, the table is yours”) and most annoyingly, waiting in the doctor’s office which is where we take you in our first comic (second in your scroll). I don’t know how many times I have sat in a waiting room stewing, thinking, “I’m gonna charge them MY hourly fee and deduct it from the final bill!!!!” Yeah right. But this time Al figures, “Screw it, how about I make the doctor wait?” It works in a comic strip, good luck trying it in real life.

Our second strip deals with political correctness. Now surely, if an entire race or culture finds a term insulting, we should do our best to avoid using it in the future. But the rules keep constantly changing. For instance, we no longer should refer to a “master bedroom,” because “master” is a term that dates back to slavery. We should now refer to it as the “primary bedroom.” Just yesterday, I found myself in Great Barrington, Massachusetts, and stopped at a Chinese restaurant named Koi. First of all, every other place named Koi, is a Japanese restaurant. But what struck me most is what was written underneath Koi on the restaurant’s sign in the parking lot. It said, “Koi, Oriental food.” Now I know you can’t say “Oriental” anymore unless you’re talking about a rug, but here was a Chinese restaurant with a Japanese name using the offending term (I wasn’t offended, I was too busy enjoying the chicken with black bean sauce). Similarly, John was listening to classic rock and wondering, what if he was walking along, listening to some playlist on his headphones, singing out loud, and Lou Reed’s “Take a Walk on the Wild Side,” came up. Would you sing the politically correct version instead? Incidentally, “Take a Walk on the Wild Side” along with “Lola” were way ahead of their time, dealing with cross-dressing and transsexuality (Fran Lebowitz once said, “Being a woman is of special interest only to aspiring male transsexuals. To actual women it is merely a good excuse not to play football.”) But I digress. The point is that these two avant-garde songs still had phrases that today seem completely out of touch. So what’s a confused 60-something to do? Don’t ask us, we don’t have a freakin’ clue.

Have a terrific weekend and we’ll be back next week with two new ones.

Andy and John

Accepting Who We Are 06/03/22

A few weeks ago John participated in the NYC Five Boro Bike Race. We all tell ourselves the same thing after age 60, we’re not in it to compete, just to enjoy the camaraderie and being outdoors on a bicycle. And then the race starts. And people are cheering on the sidewalks. And you’re passing riders and they’re passing you. Wait, what? If you’re anything like me, when someone passes you, the inner dialogue goes something like this: “Not that person, he’s too old. And not this person, she’s too young. And certainly not that person, his stomach is hanging down to his bike seat!” The point is, it’s impossible not to be competitive when you’re in the middle of a competitive race. And, speaking for myself, not John, it’s impossible to be competitive without properly training for the event in the first place. At some point we just accept who we are and take pride in simply participating and finishing. I personally like the attitude of my daughter and her husband, both 36 years old and the proud parents of a 1-yr old baby girl. My wife babysat while they ran the Brooklyn Half marathon, 13.1 miles. They ran at a comfortable pace without killing themselves, but what I admired most was what they did at the finish line. They went to Nathan’s for hot dogs and fries. Now that’s my idea of competition!

Our other comic this week features a pair of uncles at a birthday party. In the past we’ve gotten mail from some of our readers who are gay, asking why we don’t feature more gay characters in our comic strip. Our answer has always been that we write about what we know and we wouldn’t want to pander to any stereotypes or sound inauthentic when representing what our characters say and how our characters feel. So we thought we’d introduce Billy’s gay uncles through what we imagine to be Billy’s eyes. Guileless and non-judgmental, whether it’s an aunt and uncle or two uncles, he’s only happy that they arrived so he can eat the birthday cake. And as far as we’re concerned, if the world worked like that, it would be a far better place (but I guess that’s judgmental in itself). In any case it’s the official kickoff of summer and one half of the New 60 team is on a summer break with 21 family members, ages 1-75, at the beach on a barrier island in South Carolina. That’s my way of saying this will be a mercifully short blog. Sayonara and we’ll see you next week with two new ones.

Andy and John

On Doctors and Toys 5/27/22

If you’re over 50, you know how it goes. You go out to dinner with your friends and the conversation usually starts with, “So how’s your arm/leg/shoulder/hip/foot/back doing?” And as you describe it, along with what doctor you’re seeing, you usually get a response something like, “Oh, if you’re interested, I’ve got a great internist/oncologist/ foot doctor/orthopedist/gynecologist you could talk to, I’ll text you the number.” This is what led Al to request no doctor talk before the meal started. It’s something I have requested more than once (not that I’m controlling or anything). And it caused us to wonder, are we talking about doctors so much because we have to see them so much more often, or are we talking about doctors because we have nothing interesting left to say? And (this one is only me), are we talking about doctors because we are getting older or does talking so much about doctors and physical ailments actually make us older?

Moving on to our second comic. This one was inspired by John’s Click Clack comic a couple weeks ago. For those of you who might have missed it, Click Clack was a popular toy way back consisting of two acrylic balls attached to both ends of a string. By flipping your wrist up, you made the balls click, by flipping it down you made them clack. Click clack they went until, sometimes, they exploded, sending shards of acrylic flying. Such a game would never be approved today which led us to think about the most dangerous games of our collective youths. We agreed on the EZ Bake Oven and Big League Chew, but we had different recollections of Lawn Darts. The game, as directed, put two people on opposite sides in a backyard. Each player put the enclosed circle or “target” on the ground and the idea was to throw a metal-tipped dart so it stuck in the lawn within the circle. The twist that my friends put on it was to add the game of “Chicken” to the festivities. That is, you became a chicken and lost points if your opponent’s throw caused you to move your feet for fear of getting impaled by the aforementioned lawn dart. Confession, I lost a bunch at this game but avoided getting impaled.

That’s it for this week, see you next week as the summer officIally kicks off. Yikes, how did that happen so fast?

Andy and John

Frozen Foods and Forgotten Birthdays 5/20/22

Okay, I’ll admit it. After 37 years of marriage I could not remember my wife’s birthday. Was it April 22nd or the 23rd? I’ve always known this like I know the back of my hand, but now, when preparing to make a birthday dinner reservation for her and our kids, I could not, for the life of me, place it. This was particularly disturbing in retrospect since the 23rd is an enormously important date in our family. Her birthday is April 23rd, our son’s is May 23rd, and one of her brothers’ is March 23rd. But I couldn’t remember the 23rd. I thought, should I ask the kids? But then decided no, they would really worry about me if I admitted I couldn’t remember the day. I called my wife who was out of town on business and said, “Should I make the dinner reservation for Friday night or Saturday,” and she said, “Of course, make it Saturday on my birthday.” And then I knew. Being the sometimes moron that I am, at dinner on the night of the 23rd I admitted before her and my daughter that I had a momentary lapse of memory and could not recall whether or not her birthday was the 22nd or 23rd (it doesn’t escape me that I just admitted it also to the couple thousand people who read our blog). I had gotten away scot free, but I had to get it off my chest. My daughter, ever on alert to make peace, reminded me that I had just gotten over Covid that week (true) and that memory loss was part and parcel of that experience. Still, it freaked me out (and I think it freaked my wife out a little as well). This past weekend was my birthday, which she had no trouble remembering, and as I turned 69, I wondered if I was losing my mind. The other thing I wondered is that when I hit 70 next year, can I still write the New 60. My much younger comic partner John, said yes. And if you combine our ages and take an average, it only comes out to 66 1/2. So there. The other thing I thought about is that this would make a good comic. And John agreed.

Our other effort this week is a version of something that was inspired by a friend of John’s, Tony DiBernardo.. As the Dan Fogelberg song “Same Auld Lang Syne” goes, “I stole behind her in the frozen foods and I touched her on the sleeve.” Well John’s pal saw his wife up ahead and used a cheesy pick-up line from a Steve Martin movie But we came up with a new twist and something even cheesier. Al says, “You’re way too hot to be standing in the frozen food aisle,” And then the twist.. Whoops. Happens to the best of us. At least in the comics, where we can make anything happen that we want. And to that end, we’re making up two new ones for next week. See you then and have a great weekend. Just don’t get caught in the frozen food aisle all by yourself.

Andy and John

Are You Guys Still Talking About Retirement? Yes! 4/29/22S

So here’s the thing. We thought about Marv’s retirement and found we could do 5 comics on it. First the retirement party at work where everyone says how much they love you and loved (note the use of the past tense here) working with you. Then you get to the first days at home. If Marv bears any resemblance to me, it’s that his wife Rachel (in the wake of the pandemic) works at home and was used to having the place to herself between, say 8:30 am and 7:00 pm. And she is very self-sufficient. So when Marv starts hanging around the house wanting to “help” or accompany her to the grocery store, thereby turning a 45-minute trip into a 2-hour ordeal—”Hey what’s that brand of fabric softener you wanted me to find? And what aisle again?”—he ends up driving his poor wife crazy (not that I or John, who works from home, would ever do that). Soon Marv will find the joys of a mid-week afternoon baseball game (no crowds, just you and busloads of camp kids) or the occasional mid-week afternoon bike ride, golf game or movie theater. Sometimes, yeah sometimes, you have to bite the bullet and go yourself, where you will encounter other like-minded individuals in similar circumstances and hopefully nobody you know.

So as Marv expands his world, we expand right along with him, making new friends along the way. With every new phase in life John and I discover, we will have our characters discovering right along with us. I will speak for myself here and not my very busy partner, but after 40 years of working, how much do I miss it? Not one little bit at all. Except for meeting and working with people you like everyday. And now that more and more people are working from home, you don’t even get the “working with people you like” part anymore. But you know what, I like that “working from home” title so much, I am officially unretiring. From now on, I’m working from home, even if I’m taking a nap.

Have a great weekend,

Andy and John

On Retirement. Now What? 4/22/22

I remember my first day of retirement as if it were yesterday. For anybody counting, it was in November of 2016. And to be truthful, it wasn’t exactly retirement, but you get the point. So many of my friends have stopped working and their collective thought is, what am I going to do with all that time??? You’ll figure it out. So let’s get back to my first weekend as a free man. As I often did, I went for a hike with my wife. I looked at my watch and saw it was almost 4 pm and grew worried. She asked, “What’s wrong,” and I replied, “It’s almost 4 and I haven’t gone to the grocery store yet.” She said, “Why not go Monday?” What she was saying without saying is you’re free to do whatever you want now. For me, I was so used to having to fit everything (like groceries) into a tight window on weekends so it didn’t interfere with my work week. But now? What the hell. I instantly felt my shoulders relax. That fall and the ensuing spring were filled with Tuesday bike rides, Wednesday golf games, mid-week afternoon Mets games and in the winter, the occasional afternoon movie (remember when we went to movies), or even a theater matinee. And grocery shopping on a Tuesday. In the morning. With no one there. Now we’re not claiming it’s going to be all roses for Marv moving forward, because, well, he’s Marv, but we are going to examine how his presence (just as mine did 5 years ago) turns the house upside down. Everyone was used to him NOT being there Monday through Friday, from 8:30 in the morning until around 7 at night. We will follow Marv from his retirement party through his first awkward days at home, to his venturing out into the brave new world, sometimes on his own.

Our next comic dealt with, oh yeah, retirement. More on that next week, and if you’re retired, you’ll have more than enough time to see what happens. If you’re still working, you can see what you have to look forward to. And if you retired folks need an idea for what to do, you could, I don’t know…start a comic. Just don’t call it The New 60.

Enjoy the weekend,

Andy and John

Badvertising 03/11/22

In last week’s blog we reminisced about how much advertising has changed. This week, it’s more of the same. Hey, many of you have asked about us doing more multi-part series so here it is. Trouble is, we then have to write the blog about the same subject we wrote about last week. Okay, it won’t be exactly the same. It’ll be the same, only different. Glad we cleared that up. This is how targeted advertising has become. Say you were looking for some living room furniture. You type into your search engine the word “sofa.” Now the data scientists of the ad world know you are over 50, otherwise you would have typed in “couch.” Furthermore they know you like soft, overstuffed things so they serve you ads for easy chairs, recliners, extra fluffy pillows, etc. And they know you like the color “yellow” (I just made that part up). So it’s all about data collection, and then how to micro-target all that data to the exact right person. And who doesn’t want to read an entire blog about data collection?

The point is, I can sound like I know what I’m talking about, but I actually have no clue what I’m talking about. The ad business has gone from two weeks in Beverly Hills, driving a Mustang Convertible, and going to Nobu for dinner, to coming up with an “event” and then an invitation to said “event.” Like Tecate Beer Tuesdays at your local taqueria. So a copywriter, which is what I used to be, has to come up with clever lines like, “Music, fun and friends! Join us for Tecate Tuesday’s at Mole Mole in beautiful, downtown Poughkeepsie!” Oh, and they love exclamation marks. Absolutely love them!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now I don’t know about you but I’d rather be shooting a commercial with Brad Pitt and Penelope Cruz sipping cold ones on a beach in sunny Acapulco, but this is what the business has become. And if you’re really lucky these days, you can shoot a video of people drinking beers at the aforementioned Mole Mole on your iphone, edit it on your computer, and then run it on Twitter for under $5,000, soup to nuts. Which version of advertising would you rather be in?

Happily John and I discovered comics instead which is wayyyy more rewarding (except for the getting paid part).

So that’s it for this week, we’ll be back next week with another multi-parter. And before you know it, Spring will have sprung.

Have a great weekend,

Andy and John

Bad Advice 3/4/22

If a friend asks you to speak with their kid about going into a field you used to work in, ignore the request. Chances are, the field you remember is nothing like the field is today. So your advice tends to be outmoded or worse, irrelevant. Yesterday businesses were more local. Today they are global. They are digital. And they involve algorithms. Hell, not only don’t I know what an algorithm is, I don’t even know how to spell algorithm, I had to rely on spell check. As we’ve written before, both John and I spent our careers in advertising. You used to get an assignment to do one of three things: create a print ad, a radio commercial, or a tv commercial. You tried to be funny, because it made the commercial more memorable. To make up an example, let’s say you were doing an ad for JCrew shirts and they were on sale. You had to come up with a clever headline like “We’re giving you the shirts off our backs.” Okay, maybe that wasn’t so clever, but you get the drift. You hoped someone would see the ad and remember it the next time they passed a JCrew store. That was advertising then. Nowadays you might go into JCrew and buy a v-neck t-shirt. The cashier offers you 25% off if you sign up for the JCrew credit card. You agree. Now they know you and what you like. And you’ll get a text message like, “Hey Arnie, ya know that v-neck t-shirt, size large in blue that you bought last month? Well we’ve got ‘em in all colors of the rainbow for 50% off.” No need to be clever anymore because they already know what you like, so the message just has to be some form of, “Here it is, for less.” That’s what advertising has become. No longer broadcasting, but narrowcasting, one-to-one. And a lot of the jobs in advertising now involve how to discover the most cost-efficient ways to reach your consumer. Who needs a Super Bowl ad for $5 million when you can get a Facebook impression for $10.95? And that was the basis for our comic, Ad Biz, Part 1. In fact I had to call my son-in-law and a good friend’s son just to find out what the hell they did in advertising. I still don’t understand and neither did John, so he promptly took their words (which they intentionally dumbed-down for us), and dumbed them down even further. Got it? Don’t feel bad, neither did we.

And then it was on to Dishwasher, Part 2. In last week’s blog I wrote about how tough it was to find the proper repair person. The “Bad Advice” title of this blog refers to the advice all your well-meaning friends give you to call this person or that one, and when you call, it turns out they don’t do what you need them to do at all. Until you finally get to the one, which in this case, John did. Only to find out that the guy was on vacation for two weeks in Key West. Sounds a lot better than sitting in your dining room thinking up new ideas for comics. But on the other hand, I’d much rather think about new ideas for comics than try to repair dishwashers, which I know even less about than modern advertising. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a sink full of dishes to wash.

Have a great weekend.

Andy and John

A TRIP TO THE (USED) BOOKSTORE 2/18/22

Many of us wax poetic over small stores and the lack thereof. The corner drugstore has given way to CVS. The barber shop to SportsClips. And of course record stores, bookstores and dvd rentals to Amazon, Amazon and Netflix (not to mention Amazon). If a superstore like Barnes and Noble struggles, then what chance do used bookstores and record stores have? Spoiler alert: a range from very little to none at all. My 30 something daughter, her husband and their baby live in Brooklyn (where else)? And my daughter recently bought a turntable for them to play actual 33 1/3 lps on vinyl at home. I loved it and as chance had it, there was a vintage vinyl store two blocks from their home. After all, it’s Brooklyn. So I went in to buy them a present. I got lost in the racks, remembering all those albums, and album covers, speaking to the owner and just overall having a great time. I must have spent half an hour in there and I was the only customer that entire time. Then I found the the album that started the late, great Janis Joplin and her band, Big Brother and the Holding Company, Cheap Thrills, with the iconic cartoon cover by R. Crumb. I brought it up to the register and the owner told me it was $3.99. I couldn’t fathom it. I gave him $10 and told him to keep the change. He was beyond grateful. So the question is, if that’s how little they’re selling for, then how much can you reasonably expect to get paid when you’re trying to sell your inventory to them? Second spoiler alert: not much.

Which brought John to this idea of visiting a used bookstore. If you happen to have one in your neighborhood, pay them a visit. They’re wonderful places to hang out. They are definitely not wonderful places to make money. As Al vainly tries to bargain, he also shares his thoughts about how it feels to read biographies of famous pepole in the past. And here’s a third spoiler alert: it doesn’t make him feel accomplished. I agree. I mean when I read the biography of Steve Jobs, the story of how he started Apple, got kicked out and then returned to make it the most profitable company in the world…about how he invented the Mac, the iMac, the iPod, iPad, iPhone, AppleWatch and so on, how am I supposed to feel when I realize my accomplishments spanned the range of dreaming up scenarios of women breaking up with their mops and brooms to working on a twice weekly comic strip? At least John invented the Little Caesars guy with his toga so he has a lasting legacy. Sigh. This is why when I go to the bookstore, I read novels. They’re about made-up people and things, so there’s no way to fall short of them. They’re not real. Except for James Bond.

That’s it for this week and we will see you next week with a new series about…you’ll just have to wait. How’s that for a cliffhanger? Have a great weekend, and think about this: no new comics about football for at least 7 months.

Andy and John

On Football (yes again) and Destination Weddings 2/4/22

We imagine you non-football fans asking, “So what’s with all the football comics?” Well it’s the NFL playoffs now, the thrilling three-week tournament that ends up deciding who will play in the Super Bowl. After many unexpected turns and upsets, it’ll be the Cincinnati Bengals vs. the Los Angeles Rams. They will play in the Rams’ new multibillion-dollar pleasure dome known by the poetic name of SoFi Stadium. But that setting does not do justice to the inspiration for today’s football comic, titled “Shirtless.” No, that was inspired by the night game a couple weeks ago in Green Bay, Wisconsin. You heard us right, night game, Green Bay, in January. As the cameras are often wont to do, they pan the crowd and always, and we do mean always, there is the seemingly mandatory shot of a bunch of guys in their 20’s sitting in the stands, with temperatures in the low teens, and negative-degree wind chills, without their shirts on. By the way, they are always, and we mean always, drinking ice cold beers (face it, even hot chocolate would become ice-cold out there). And we often wondered, what kind of idiot would do that? Then just like that, the answer came to us. Sid, the headstrong son of Al and Joanne, Sid would do that. And that became our first comic this week. But since we load them into the website in the order they’re completed, the first comic comes up second in your newsletter, which becomes challenging when we do a 3-part story. Got all that? Good, neither do we.

Next up (or first on your scroll) came from a therapist friend of mine whose name will be withheld to protect the guilty). She is getting married next week and she and her husband-to-be chose a destination wedding in Costa Rica. When I asked her why, she said something to the effect of, “This way we can invite everybody from both families while being reasonably sure nobody will come.” Brilliant. When I shared the idea with John, he thought a lot of people would be thrilled to come to Costa Rica so we moved the comic wedding to Kuala Lumpur, figuring, who in their right mind would ever go there? I mean, I don’t even know where Kuala Lumpur is. I didn’t even know how to spell it correctly until I asked the Google. I guess I could ask it where it is located. Just did. Of course, it’s the capital city of Malaysia. Duh, everyone knows that. At any rate, it’s far away. As John likes to say, “That’s the beauty part.” Actually John picked this up from a former advertising creative partner who picked it up from her father, but what the hell, the whole thing is pretty ingenious, don’t you think? Instead of spending days, weeks or most likely months worrying about who to invite and who not to invite, instead of wasting precious brain cells trying to make sure Uncle Marty and his second wife Sarah aren’t seated at the same table as Aunt Esther and her tennis pro, Rafael, just throw the damn wedding in Kuala Lumpur. Or Thailand for that matter (except that didn’t work for one married couple because my wife and I actually attended that one anyway).

So that is it for this week. We’ll be back next week with two new ones about who knows what (actually we know but we’re not telling).

Have a great weekend

Andy and John

On Football and Loyalty Oaths

Loyalty. We hear a lot about it these days, but to us it often seems like a one-way street. The store, the cable company, the politician, they all want your loyalty but don’t show you much of the same in return. This particular comic came from a trip John made to his local CVS. Being the good and loyal CVS customer that he is, the cashier asked him if he had a CVS loyalty card and the answer was yes, he did. Upon showing the card in question the cashier went on to tell him about the CVS CarePass Card, an even better way to show your loyalty. It came with a host of mouthwatering benefits like having your prescriptions delivered straight to your home. All for the low, low price of ONLY $5.00 per month (or the even LOWER price of $48 if you sign up for the year). The point is, there’s always something better out there, and you don’t have it. Now John and I didn’t spend over 70 combined years in advertising to see what’s really going on at CVS. Seems like there’s this little competitor out there called Amazon Prime, who coincidentally offers free shipping straight to your door for the low, low price of ONLY $119 per year! It’s a steal!! Or how about American Express. Got an Amex Gold? Well good for you, here’s a Platinum. But wait, there’s an even better one. Amex Black, for only $10,000 per year you can have so many benefits like first dibs on tickets to the next Ariana Grande concert. Who could resist that? And what about the airlines? If you are a loyal frequent flyer you get priority boarding. Which sounds great on paper until you realize you come after the 67 other groups that have more priority than you do. You know how to avoid all that? Just pony up an extra $1,000 or 2 to fly first class. I hear that even comes with pillows and blankets. Now that’s loyal. By the way, the final frame and joke on our drug store comic was a none-too-subtle shout-out to our friends at American Express.

And that brings us to the guy’s weekend. You could not have had 4 more exciting football games in one weekend. The final Sunday game between Kansas City and Buffalo is being called the greatest game ever played. I always look forward to that particular weekend every year. I used to watch with my son when he still lived at home, then later flew out to meet him wherever he happened to be living. But this year, with Covid and all, I thought I’d do something at home. Just like the comic said, my wife went to visit our kids and grandchild, knowing I’d be glued to the set. After making a bunch of calls, I ended up with a massive pot of chili and one friend to help eat it. When my wife came back we managed to kill it off over the course of a couple dinners, but c’mon. The excuses! Plans with children, grandchildren, shopping, weekend retreats, what is this world coming to? Everything is so complicated. Take the case of John, who dutifully recorded the KC-Buffalo game before going out. He came back and watched the whole thing before realizing it was the AFC Championship game from last year. Ooops. Fortunately, he got over it in time to see the end of this year’s game. And that my friends, is a wrap.

See you next week with two new ones.

Andy and John

Stuff We Do...Just Because 01/07/22

Can’t believe I just typed “22” into the date box. When I was a kid I used to think about how old I’d be when the calendar hit the year 2000 (the answer was 47). Now it’s 22 years past that? Can’t be. But it is. And it got John and I thinking about why we do the things we do. And of course it turned our thoughts to vaccinations. Now we try hard (or at least John does) to be apolitical here. But there’s nothing really political about wearing masks if you’re interested in not getting Covid. We’ve heard all sorts of reasons why people don’t choose to get vaccinated, “Nobody’s telling me what to do,” and my personal favorite, “I’m waiting for the research.” I must admit I hate being told what to do, unless I’m convinced about the dangers of doing what I do. Heck, I quit smoking cigarettes when my first child was born in ‘86 and I wear a seatbelt. After years of smoking and not wearing seatbelts, I heard enough evidence to convince me to change my evil ways. Plus I hate when the car starts going bing, bing, bing … until I fasten my damn seatbelt. So about the vaccination. In order to show how silly it sounds to “wait for more evidence,” we had Marv’s mom wanting to wait, along with her new friends at the Shady Acres Assisted Living facility. And let’s not even think about assisted living. At least not yet.

Our other comic this week deals with a cleaning person. We said “cleaning lady,” because that’s how people speak, but if we offended anyone, we apologize and will heretofore refer to the cleaning lady as a cleaning person (who happens to be a lady). Anyway, what is it with people who clean before the cleaning person comes? That’s like reading the Cliff Notes of the book before you read the book. Or filling the car up when it’s 7/8 full. Or cooking dinner in the morning. Let’s let people do what they do. If they didn’t do it better than us, we wouldn’t have hired them in the first place. But full disclosure, I wrote this blog before the official blog writer comes to write it this evening. Just kidding. But it would be nice once in a while.

So that’s it for the first installment of 2022. We will be back next week with two new ones and we officially launch the putting together of our first compilation - a New 60 book. Ready for the holiday season this year (hint, hint).

Have a great weekend,

Andy and John

What's Next??? 12/17/21

Are we really getting to the end of 2021? And what do we make of these times? If you are anything like us, chances are you find them increasingly hard to understand. This being a blog about a comic strip, however, we are not going to tackle politics or artificial intelligence (speaking of artificial intelligence, spell check just corrected the way I spelled intelligence, but that’s a story for another time), we will confront such life changing events as the all too real supply chain-induced cream cheese shortage. Talk about a problem. I mean, if you’re anything like me, butter just won’t do (John vehemently disagrees with this). In fact, I have a certain family member (who will go unnamed) who likes to PRE-BUTTER her bagels BEFORE she puts them under the broiler, resulting in a golden topped bagel. That’s the good news. But when you next apply a liberal schmear of cream cheese (note: not a coating, not a layer, a schmear) it’s too damn fatty. So leave the butter off, okay?? And speaking of artificial intelligence, it’s not that smart. It just tried to autocorrect my spelling of “schmear” to “schemer.” I can assure you, there was no scheme whatsoever. Clearly, the artificial intelligence is not Jewish. But back to the comic. There really IS a worldwide cream cheese shortage, and when I mentioned to John that I have a half-full container of Whole Foods 365 Cream Cheese plus a back-up container of Philly, he immediately called me a hoarder. Sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will never hurt me (though he may have a good point).

Now, back to the future, as we pick up the saga of Sid. You may remember him as the 30-something son of Al and Joanne who still lived at home with his parents. But then he sold an app and is now a rich young man. John and I wondered how a young guy with money would decorate his new apartment. For research I used my own kids. I have a son who loves sports like I do and so a tv plays a prominent role in his apartment. I have a married daughter who is most definitely not a sports fan and the tv plays a minor role in her house. It’s quite possible to go there for a visit and then have to go to the local sports bar to catch the Knicks. So John and I debated, how would Sid decorate. And then he came up with the idea for a hidden tv. We debated should it come down from the ceiling or up from a wall unit. Well, since we didn’t want to break in through the floor of the apartment above (I mean he’s rich, but not THAT rich), we went with the wall unit. That’s the thing about comics, you can pretty much make them up as you go along. And speaking of making them up, we need to make up two new ones, which takes us right into the holiday season.

So merry Christmas, happy Chanukah and a joyous Kwanzaa (in advance)

Andy and John

It All Depends on How You Look at It 11/19/21

True story. It’s funny, but it still was a digital slap in the face. I was getting ready to pay a bill using the Venmo app. Also, I had just gotten a new, upgraded iPhone. Apparently this Venmo app wants to connect with your telephone list so it can properly direct your payments. It’s just some silly algorithm that checks your phone list out and says “You have 287 friends,” or some such blather. The app counts the number of contacts you have and enters it into the appropriate space. Well, since it was a new phone and I hadn’t yet synched up all my contacts, the damn phone came up with a screen saying “You have 0 friends.” Now granted there’s a sane, rational part of me that laughed and thought “They really should come up with a different way to express that. Instead of saying I have zero friends, they could tell me I haven’t yet synched up my phone list to Venmo.” But nooo. They said “You have 0 friends.” So there’s this other part of me (the part that always takes over) that thinks “Oh really? Says who? What about Jimmie and Rich, and Marvin and Peter and Ted and John and Rob? And let’s not forget Ali, Greg, Joanie, Mark, Buzzy and Stuart. Even though they’re family, they count as friends too, don’t they??? How dare you? But it’s just an algorithm, so let’s move on. And it didn’t really affect me at all. Well, maybe just a little.

Our next comic took place at a trip to the eye doctor. Now we know Larry David featured a trip to the eye doctor last Sunday night on Curb Your Enthusiasm, but we thought up our trip to the eye doctor before his ever ran. So there. Anyway, is there anything worse than failing a test? I had a lot of practice at it in high school, but it still doesn’t blunt the humiliation. And how many tests do we take now anyway, except for those ridiculous online quizzes that nobody takes (except for me). Are you good in bed? Apparently not. Rock hard abs, six steps to help anyone create a six pack. Not me. Are you a genius? See how many of these questions you can answer? Not too many. But failing a visit to the eye doctor? That takes the proverbial cake. No matter how hard you squint you can’t make out the difference between a “c” and an “o” on line 4. Here’s a conspiracy theory. I’m convinced they make the type so small on those eye charts so they can sell you a new set of progressive lenses. And our conservative readers can relax. It’s not THAT kind of progressive.

John is back in town from his daughter’s wedding and we are back in gear. We will see you next week with two new comics including one wishing you a Happy Thanksgiving.

Andy and John

Perspective 11/12/21

Perspective is a funny thing. I remember being 9 years old when my parents called me into the living room with solemn looks upon their faces. They said, “Grandpa Sam died last night, he was only 61. Such a young man.” I distinctly remember two thoughts coming into my 9-year old mind: 1) “Poor grandpa. And 2) 61 is really old.” Another example revolves around a summer when we took our young kids to Disney World and then later that summer to a local, small-sized retro amusement park in Rye, NY, called Playland. I loved that place as a kid, but now, being an adult, I realized I could see from one end to the other. It’s about 3 to 4 city blocks long. My kids, being decidedly smaller, were overwhelmed with all the games and rides. And I asked, “Which place do you think is bigger, Disney World or Playland?” And at once they gleefully shouted out, “Playland!!!” There’s one thing that can be said about perspective: it always changes.

Like our perspective about our misspent youth. I remember a friend showing me the huge field he used to play on when he was a kid. Baseball in the summer, football in the fall. Upon revisiting it, it was a small patch of green surrounded by a bunch of dirt. Or, a couple years ago, this Italian restaurant I loved as a child reopened. It was called Grotto Azura, which means Blue Cave. And you went literally underground, down a couple flights of stairs. The place served family-style huge plates of pasta and clams and sausage, anything you wanted, and it was decorated as if it were a cave. Coolest place ever. When some friends came in from out of town, my wife and I took them there. What a spectacular letdown. The underground part was closed because there wasn’t enough business to justify opening it. And when we tasted the food, we understood why there wasn’t enough business. It sucked. Perspective.

Which brings us to Joe Namath Electric Football, a game both John and I happened to own. I remember getting it as a holiday present. It came with 22 football player statues, 11 for each team. You put them in position on the “field”, which was a board that vibrated when you turned it on. The problem was the players didn’t necessarily travel in the direction you wanted them to go. They went backwards, they went sideways, they fell down. In fact, I think it’s safe to say they never went in the direction you wanted them to go. It was the worst football game I’ve ever played. It was even worse than the food at the new Grotto Azura! This must have been before the days of product testing because the damn thing never worked, ever. Kinda like Joe after his knees were shot. Sorry Jets fans, that was uncalled for. The game seemed like a good idea at the time, but trust us both, it wasn’t. Now Madden 22? That is a good football game. Not because either of us know how to play it, but because we’ve seen our kids play it and those images are a LOT more realistic than Joe Namath Electric Football.

So that is that for this week, but we would like to give a special shout out to John, his wife Linda and their kids, especially daughter Alison, who is getting married this weekend in beautiful, bucolic Charleston, South Carolina. Cheers.

Andy and John

On Gender Reassignment and Halloween

Sometimes the subjects of these blogs fit into a neat little headline. Like last week’s for instance. One comic was about filling your car up at gas stations and another about trains, so the title “Planes, Trains and Automobiles,” came naturally (even though there wasn’t anything about planes). But, sometimes the two comics have absolutely nothing in common and so I am forced to go with the more prosaic, “On Gender Reassignment and Halloween.” If you readers have any suggestions for a more pithy title, send them in.

Let’s start with Halloween, even though the comic is only remotely about Halloween. I live in Tarrytown, NY, and right across the street is North Tarrytown, which has been renamed Sleepy Hollow. If there was ever a place that went absolutely nuts for Halloween, this is it. Washington Irving, who wrote the Legend of Sleepy Hollow (the one with the headless horseman) has the next town over named for him, Irvington. They have haunted hayrides with high school students dressed up as ghosts and witches who pop out from behind trees and scare the bejesus out of the little kids on the hayride. I have a couple questions here. 1) why is that considered fun and 2) what does bejesus mean? Anyway, suffice it to say that this corner of Westchester County takes its Halloween seriously. Having said that, my wife and I moved to an apartment building 6 years ago with mostly empty nesters so there’s almost no trick or treating involved, and no need to dress up like a haunted figure to answer the door, because no kids are showing up in the first place. But this comic was really about crass commercialism. There are stores (remember stores, they were those buildings with signs in front before Amazon took over?) that cater to one holiday season at a time. There are Christmas stores, Summer stores (patio furniture and beach chairs, etc.) and Halloween stores. But the funny thing is these places run out of costumes or Christmas trees or decorations or deck chairs long before the season they are meant to serve. I mean, who even thinks about Halloween decorations in September? Apparently a lot of people, because when (if you are like us) you finally get around to shopping for Halloween, everything is gone and the store is loaded with Christmas decorations. In October! John and I had a discussion about the clerk at the store, whether he should say we ran out of Halloween stuff after Labor Day or should we say after Columbus Day. Columbus Day won because it was more believable.

Then there was the comic we called Gender Bender. Now everytime we broach a controversial subject we tread carefully, not wanting to offend anybody. But let’s face it, that’s pretty damn impossible. When we were putting this one together, we focused not on the gender reassignment surgery, but rather on Marv’s uncomfortable reaction to it. Our guess is that would be pretty typical amongst people in our particular age group. But who are we to judge? In this case, it turned on the lie everybody says when they run into someone they haven’t seen in many decades…”You haven’t changed a bit.” Doesn’t matter if they put on an extra 100 pounds, had hair plugs, silicone boobs, lap-band surgery or even if they changed sexes, we all say the same thing. But face it, everybody changes. Except for John and me who still have all our hair, which miraculously hasn’t turned grey, all our height and all our physical strength. We haven’t changed a bit. Except for, well…everything.

That’s all folks for this week. Have a great weekend and we will see you next week with two new ones.

Andy and John

Planes, Trains and Automobiles 10/22/21

Okay so there’s not really a comic about planes this week, but the trains and automobile parts, yeah. First the car part. When it’s time to fill up (and you drive a gas-powered vehicle) we get less and less help from the “service station.” I mean, where’s the service? Nowadays you’ve got to get out of the car, remove the gas cap, squeegee your own windshield, fill ‘er up with gas, pay in advance with your credit card that the pump doesn’t recognize in the first place, so you have to go inside anyway, and then you forget your mask so you have to return to the car to get your mask, and you haven’t even started pumping the premium yet. Want to check your oil, or refill your washer fluid or make sure the tire pressure is good? Fuhgeddaboudit.

This is one of the ways that society has unravelled. I was low on gas, and out on the eastern end of Long Island this summer when I pulled up to an old-fashioned gas station this summer with a name I’d never heard of. Royal Gas. I was looking in the glove compartment for the aforementioned gasoline credit card and when I sat up I nearly had a heart attack. There was this stranger hanging by my window, way too close, looking in at me. Tentatively, I rolled down said window and shakily asked, “yes?” The scary guy then said, “Regular or premium,” and it took my another second to realize that he was going to fill my car up for me. What was he gonna do next, offer a free toaster oven? Not. But that fit the narrative for our first comic, another in the Then and Now series.

Next up was the second and final version of our Model Train series. As we pointed out last week, John was much more into electric train sets than I was. Only thing I remember about my dad’s set was a rocket launcher and one of the coolest things ever, an exploding box car. Okay maybe it wasn’t the coolest thing ever, but it was pretty cool. No, really. I guess you had to be there. At any rate, we wondered what would happen if Al’s grandson got his hands on the train set, without having Al peering over his shoulder with one of those dad-like, “Don’t you dare touch anything until I say you can” kind of looks. The kid lets his imagination run wild which is obviously an excuse to let our imaginations run wild, and this was the result of our overwrought imaginations. Speaking of imaginations, I imagine some of you thinking, “Grow up already and write about something relevant or at least something happy,” but as Leslie Gore might have sung decades ago, “it’s our comic, and we’ll whine whine when we want to, whine when we want to, you would whine too if it happened to you.”

We will leave you with that and have a pleasant weekend, email the comic onto your friends so WE have a pleasant weekend and we’ll see yo next week with two new ones hot off the proverbial press, or at least off the internet.

John and Andy

The More Things Change... 10/15/21

The more things change, the more they stay the same. I’ve never quite understood that one, but whatever it means, it applies to both of this week’s comics. First the Train Set. Now John and I grew up differently from one another. He loves to build stuff, cut down trees, carve pumpkins, manly stuff like that that he probably learned from his dad, who in turn learned from his dad and so on. And so he is naturally enthralled with things like train sets. Me, I’m Jewish. When something needed fixing or building, my grandfather called the super, my father called the super and I call the super, and we don’t even have a superintendent. So we found a guy who is great at fixing stuff and call him when the need arrives, which is often. But back to the train set. Come to think of it, my dad did have a Lionel train set at one point. I can remember an exploding box car, which you tried to hit with a rocket launcher as the train was moving, but that’s about it. I imagine John’s childhood train set to be much, much more detailed. With the diversity of train set experience hanging between us, we settled on one thing we have in common, age. And let’s face it, when you want to show off your fancy toy train set to your grandkid and the kid doesn’t recognize anything in it, it’s a little deflating. And that was the influence for the Train Set comic. But not to worry, we are going to have a second train set comic next week. You don’t build (in this case, draw) a whole train set only to use it once.

Next up is the trip to the library. But what this is really about is clutter. Maria Kondo wrote a best-selling book about removing clutter. Really, people are attracted to books like hers, which to me seems like more clutter, but anyway… She says that you should only keep things that “spark joy.” I say, “spark this.” But she has a point. In my childhood home, the train set didn’t spark as much joy as the ping pong table it was sitting on, so after a while, bye bye train set with exploding box car and rocket launcher. I have a theory that there are two kinds of people in most relationships, hoarders, and chucker outers. I am a chucker outer. If I buy a new pair of jeans, which isn’t often, I put an older pair in the clothing bin in our local strip mall. Same with shirts, shoes, etc. My wife is a “collector.” In this case we switched roles and made Marv the hoarder. His wife Rachel wants to get rid of stuff. But when he was at the book fair at the public library, he saw so much stuff that sparked so much joy, he kind of forgets his mission.

7 years ago, my wife and I, empty nesters now that our kids were out of the house and graduated from college, sold our house and moved to an apartment. Now that requires a whole bunch of downsizing and, let’s face it, different things “spark joy” in different people. I remember a conversation we had upon moving in. Me: We cannot possibly have 4 sets of china in an apartment. She: Or 4 tv’s.

Guess how that ended? As I might say, you never know when a 4th person might come over and want to watch something different from what 3 other people are watching, so we really need 4. And as Joanie might say, this was my mother’s set, this was my grandmother’s set, this is my great grandmother’s and then there’s our everyday dishes and it makes me feel good to have them. So we compromised and kept everything, just in case.

That is it for this week. We will be back to you next week with two new ones, including what Al’s grandson wants to do with the train set.

Have a great weekend,

Andy and John

When I'm 64 10/08/21

You know the Beatles’ ditty. This writer happens to be 68, but there are no song titles about that particular age. So we went with 6'4. And what does that have to do with the price of sliced bread, you ask. Actually, nothing. And everything. Because when you reach your 60’s, you can say it’s the new 40, but you’re only kidding yourself. It’s the New 60 (see how we cleverly threw that plug in?). You still play golf, but it’s in a cart. Okay, you might walk and carry occasionally, but only for 9 holes, not 18. Gone are the pickup touch football games, slow-pitch softball leagues, full-court basketball and road races. Now it’s a nice hike or walk. And that’s more than fine. But this week we focused on two activities that time is starting to infringe on (and yeah, I know I ended the sentence with a preposition, but you know what Churchill said about that rule? He said, “That is precisely the type of poppycock up with which I shall not put.”) I wish I could say it as well as Winston, but I’ll just stick to ending the occasional sentence with a preposition (from). See, I’ll even do it if it makes no damn sense.

At any rate the two activities we presented were 1) a trip to the county fair and 2) eating at the diner. Now everything being equal, we would have run the county fair in the heat of the summer, but this is when they happened to fit into our crowded calendars, so forgive our lack of timeliness. The County Fair is ripe with lots of fun activities, funnel cakes, Corndogs, Skee-ball and of course the rides. I have a couple of stories about the rides. The first one revolves around the time I went with a friend to Six Flags. He took his two sons who were around 7 and 10 years old and I took my daughter who was 11. Truth is, we’re both scared of things like loop-de-loop roller coasters and elevator drops. So while my friend and I encountered these scary rides, his two boys said, “Let’s go,” while my daughter was unsure. So I did the brave thing and hid behind her. I said to my friend, you go with the boys while I stay with Ali (my daughter). I mean I had no choice, did I? But secretly I told her “I’m glad you didn’t go. These things scare the hell out of me.” The other story was during a summer between college years. I went on a double date with my cousin and her serious boyfriend (who was also my roommate) and this girl I had just met. We went to a Chinese restaurant and then to Playland, a small deco amusement park in Westchester County, New York. Well the combination of egg rolls, moo shu pork and a swaying Ferris Wheel didn’t sit so well with yours truly, as a wave of nausea took hold. All I could think of was, please hold it in until we get down. Somehow I managed to do that and ran over to the bushes immediately after the seat bar was lifted. Just like Al, I tossed my cookies, as the saying goes, but this time my “cookies” happened to be the aforementioned egg rolls and moo shu. Maybe there was a fortune cookie in there somewhere so I could literally say I tossed my cookies, but it was not a great way to impress a girl on a first date. Suffice it to say that the amusement park is one area where we get less enjoyment the older we get.

Which brings us to another situation that does not improve with age. Hypochondria. I mean, do you listen to some of the discussions we all have when we go to dinner with similarly-aged friends? “Oh, my knee is killing me. I don’t think I can walk with you tomorrow.” Oy (for our Jewish friends, and me), my acid reflux is killing me, can you please serve it without the red pepper flakes.” Or, this is the absolute truth, my wife and I ate with very close friends of ours last weekend and when I remarked that the guy looked like he lost weight, he immediately replied, “It’s probably a deadly stomach disease.” So there you have it. In this case we had the guys show concern about a mysterious new black spot on Al’s arm. If you haven’t already read the comics, I won’t spoil it by telling you what the spot actually was.. John and I went back and forth several times about whether it was too gross to have him eat the “spot” after he scratches it off his arm. Lest you think we’re too prudish, the only reason he didn’t pop it in his mouth is because we ran out of frames. And there you have it, the sturm and drang of a cartoonist’s life. To eat or not to eat, that is the question.

And that is it for this week, we’ve got a couple new ones for you next week. Have a great weekend.

Andy and John

Twins, twins 9/16/21

Twins are nature’s way of saying, so nice, let’s do it twice. On the one hand, you get over the process of having a complete family more quickly, but on the other hand…

What if they’re not on the same sleep schedule, feeding schedule (well that would be technically challenging since there’s only one mom and two kids) or pooping schedule? So John and I decided to have a go at another three part series, called Twins Come Home, parts 1, 2 and 3. So why do they appear on the website in reverse order, you ask? That may be because someone has not figured out how to put them in, in the correct order. One of us, but that particular person, if it happened to be me, should be given a pass today because it’s Yom Kippur and because that person happens to be fasting, and because being hungry makes that person pissed off and because that same person is expected to write a sunny and funny blog while he’s hungry and pissed off, capiche? I’m not saying that person is me you understand but if it were, that is how I’d react.

Oh yeah, the comics. Part one was last Friday featuring the exhausted parents and the calm, cool and collected grandparents. We can afford to be cool because we get to sleep through the night and not be awakened every 3 hours or so. So we imagined what would happen if the grandparents offered their services as babysitters for a night. We imagined the bedraggled couple would accept their offer rather quickly.

This summer, my wife and I shared a beach house with our daughter, son-in-law and their new baby. They wanted nothing more than a night off to feel human, go to dinner and a movie, and we wanted nothing more than to hang with the baby and put her to sleep. A win-win if there ever was one. Which leads to the part 3 comic, in which no sooner do the parents leave, than the baby starts shrieking. This too comes from personal experience. I recounted to John how my daughter asked me to babysit for one half an hour while she got on a phone call about a potential freelance job. My wife was working, my daughter and son-in-law were working so it was just me and the baby for 30 minutes, from 2pm until 2:30. I couldn’t wait. As soon as my daughter got up from the living room the baby started crying. I picked her up to soothe her. She cried louder. I rocked her in my arms, she began to shriek. Doors opened from other rooms, what are you doing to her? Nothing! I swear! I took her outside so nobody could hear anymore then when she calmed down I walked back into the kitchen to see how much time had passed. It was 2:08 This went on for the rest of the time, outside, inside, me: oh look, this is a tree, these are branches, want to shake the branch, go ahead, shake it…2:12

Finally, mercifully, my daughter’s phone call was over a few minutes early and she came out to her daughter who suddenly was all smiles and sunshine. When my daughter asked how it went I said, “Fine,” even though everyone in the surrounding zip codes could hear it wasn’t fine. John turned this story into Twins, part 3, even though you see that comic first, is that clear? Yeah, I don’t understand it either.

Enjoy the weekend a lot more than I am enjoying this freakin’ fast. And we will see you next week with two new ones, not about the twins.

Andy and John