Togetherness 4/3/2020

If absence makes the heart grow fonder, the question remains: what does togetherness do? If you and your husband/wife/partner/roommate have been cooped up inside for the better part of three weeks due to corona restrictions, we think you know the answer already.

In the past you may have heard your partner tell a particular story 100 times while you sit there patiently and smile. But now, maybe you’re a little bit testier. Maybe hearing the story for the 101st time is not so adorable. Maybe you just want to get on with it and finish the story yourself. After all, you’ve heard it so many times you could finish the story. You know just the right line, where to pause for the laugh, when and how to deliver the punchline, it’s just, it’s not your story. And that little insight was part precursror to today’s first comic. Truth be told, John had the idea for overlapping speech bubbles being a cool way to portray one person cutting off another, and then that very night, when we got to our prospective homes, John found an overlapping thought bubbles cartoon in the New Yorker. The guy was thinking how wonderful it was that he and his girlfriendknew each other so well, they completed each other’s sentences. Meanwhile his girlfriend was thinking, “I hate that you interrupt me all the time!” So we waited a couple months and then put our own spin on it. If you’ve gotten this far you may have noticed we put them in a restaurant with another couple. Nowadays nobody goes to restaurants because they are all closed during the pandemic. One reason for this is we thought it up two months ago and the other reason is ‘cause one day we’re going to go to restaurants again, and this one was about overtalking, not about the novel coronavirus.

The second comic on your scroll IS about coronavirus. Kind of. It’s about what happens when two people are locked inside the same house for too long. Put it this way, if it weren’t for the corona lockdown, this situation wouldn’t have occurred. Okay, it still would have occurred, but with less venom. This idea comes from a couple years back, when Andy was runningn the Cascade dishwashing detergent account at his ad agency. He observed that there were two types of people loading dishwashers, the loaders and the rearrangers. Loaders just want to throw everything in and run the damn machine. Rearrangers see that it could be loaded better so that everything fits in it’s own place and that you can actually squeeze in a couple more dishes or cups if you just do it this way. We imagined that during the corona lockdown, the house could become a bit more combative and that such a conversation might occur.

These times make us all do things we’re not used to doing, especially household chores. For instance, Andy proudly pointed out how he’d just finished vacuuming to his wife (she mops) and she asked, did you remember to do the bathrooms? He hadn’t, by the way. Okay, it’s day 17 of the self-imposed lockdown, make that 17 days, 16 hours, 43 minutes and 07 seconds, but hey, who’s counting?

See you next week and, all jokes aside, everyone please stay healthy

Andy and John

Now what??? 3/27/2020

If you’ve come to the New 60 blog for advice on how to handle the corona virus, you are just as clueless as we are. And while we don’t know exactly how to handle our isolation and social distance, at least we can make fun of it. Apologies in advance if anyone or their loved ones are suffering from this horribly scary virus. We would never make light of suffering. We are just poking fun at how we’ve had to change our lives.

And just as Corona has changed everything we do in real life, it also has an affect on our comics. This week we heard from two of our loyal fans, Bill and Diane Mech, who pointed out that the guys should not be meeting in the diner since just about every restaurant in America (and most of the world) is closed. In fact Bill suggested we put them in separate booths, which we did. And then we went a step further into the land of the absurd and had them break in, of course. Thanks Bill and Diane.

In coming up with two new comics per week, we try to stay more than a month ahead of when we publish, so we have a stockpile of finished work. Well, when you get ahead you run the risk of being out of touch with what is happening here and now. We will be sure to serve up some off kilter takes on our changing reality but also, we will just do plain old life. A) because we’re optimistic the world will eventually return to “normal” and B) because we already thought up all these cool ideas and we’re too stubborn to scrap them.

Now the second idea you’ll see is based on another result of living with the threat of Corona. If you’re into sports like John, you’ll notice this. If you’re really, really into sports like Andy, you are suffering without anything to watch at night. In fact, one of Andy’s favorite activities is to watch a game while texting with his son or to actually watch with him. They get passionate about the games, the strategy and the moves and they debate what moves their teams should make. What do you do when you no longer have any games to watch? You can’t yell and debate over a replay of a game from last year (yes, Andy has lowered himself to watching the occasional Mets and Knicks 2019 reruns) when he already knows the result. One night when on the phone with his brother-in-law Buzzy, he heard about people so desparate, they were watching chess. Bingo! A comic was born. John and Andy imagined the same passion for baseball strategy being applied to a chess match. And chess, by the way, is considered a sport. Really. C’mon. I mean it’s easier to imagine an NBA player being good at chess than it is to imagine a chess player being good at hoops, but we digress.

At any rate, we want to thank you from 6 feet away for continuing to follow us. As we see it, everyone can use a little laugh, especially in these troubling times.

See you (digitally) next week,

Andy and John

On low testosterone and back seat drivers 3/20/2020

Oh the things our parents used to let us get away with. When the rules of the day were, “Be home in time for dinner at 6,” and then you could go out and do whatever the hell you wanted. We had toy guns, chocolate cigarettes and cigars, nobody heard of a bicycle helmet or a seat belt, and bread and pasta were good for you. Did our generation turn to “helicopter parenting” as a result from being left alone to do crazy stuff, or do we just know more than we used to and are living in more dangerous times? We suspect the answer lies somewhere in the middle. In any case, it’s fun to revist our youth and this is more about John’s youth than Andy’s, since Andy grew up in NYC and didn’t take as many car trips. We used to think we were sooooo funny, sitting in the back seat of the woody station wagon, no seat belts, hatch door open, when any unsuspected bump could send us hurtling on to the highway (somehow, thankfully, that never happened) and then shooting water pistols at the cars behind us. Could you imagine pulling out a toy gun and pointing it at an unsuspecting driver today? The other driver would call 911 and report you, the cops would stop you and you’d lose custody while your kids spent the rest of their lives in foster care. Maybe that’s a tad extreme, but it’s that kind of thinking that lead to becoming helicopter parents in the first place. Andy would like to revisit his parenting techniques and just tell the kids, “Be home in time for dinner at 6,” but that probably won’t work since a) both of the kids are over 30 and b) they live on their own and c) we never eat before 7.

Onto comic #2, which is a more sensitive subject. We both notice that we are more prone to getting emotional while watching a sappy movie or reading a sad book these days. More than in the past. When you lift your glasses to swipe the tears away while watching Sleepless in Seattle (Andy) or grab an extra Kleenex brand tissue (sorry, we were both in advertising for decades and can’t help ourselves) to dab at our eyes during an old war movie (John), the fact is that something is going on. Some scientists link this new emotionality to a drop in testosterone, something NO man would ever want to think was happening to him. Changing, not admitting to the changes, this is where the potential for comedy lives. Now let us make one thing perfectly clear. Neither Andy nor John’s weepiness at the aforementioned prompts has ANYTHING to do with lowered testosterone. That’s just our characters in The New 60, not us. Okay? Good now that we’ve cleared that up, we need to go back and watch the end of “The Notebook.”

Have a great weekend, wash your hands and we’ll see you next week with our take on coping in these Coronavirus times.

Andy and John

Moving up and moving out 3/13/2020

At the new 60, we try to pick funny situations. But some of them are fraught with emotion as well. Andy has a relative (we keep all our stories anonymous) who lived alone, with a nurse and she had been basically bedridden for a few years. Her nieces and nephews moved her out of the only home she had known as an adult and into an adult living facility. The family dreaded the move but more importantly, her reaction to the move. But what happened was amazing. The woman in question responded by sitting up in her wheelchair, chatting with the other residents, taking part in the activities and basically coming back to life. She never even mentioned her apartment! This of course was the impetus for our two comics this week.

The first one deals with the family nervously breaking the news, but surprise, mom is only too happy to get the hell out. When you think about it, it makes sense. If you are lucky enough to live to a certain age, your friends start dying off, you’re stuck in your apartment, and wait a second this is supposed to be funny, right?

Well, the second comic, now that is funny and not so potentially maudlin. As the baby boomer population ages, these adult communities have more and more facilities to make people’s lives as full as possible. Buses to Broadway matinees, buses to gambling casinos, movie nights, great chefs, card games and a built-in cache of new friends. Who wouldn’t want to live there? This is loosely based on a guy Andy met in the gym, who spent time in a minimum security prison for some kind of insider trading scandal. This is the same place where former Trump lawyer Michael Cohen is staying. The guy said he could watch tv whenever he wanted, they had basketball courts and a softball diamond. He said his friends would come to visit and joke, “I wouldn’t mind living here myself.”

So that’s it for now. Both John and Andy are in grumpy moods because they had separate trips scheduled for warmer climates and now they’re stuck back in the winter. Bah humbug. At any rate, have a coronavirus-free weekend and pump that Purell!

Andy and John

Can you teach an old dog new tricks? 3/6/2020

This week we attempt to answer this age old question. Although one of the “new tricks” is trying to remaster an old trick. Never mind.

The first comic is Marv reuniting with his trumpet. Now that he’s in his 60’s, he’s got all sorts of free time. And why not learn or relearn how to play an instrument? Disclosure: we have a mutual friend who has taken up the harmonica with comparable results, but any comparison between him and Marv is STRICTLY coincidental. Strictly.

But the point is that with this newly open schedule, friends of ours are learning all sorts of new tricks, like how to play golf, do pilates, speak Spanish, etc. So as we dust off the contents of our attics, or sell our houses now that the kids are grown and out, and as we peruse the trumpets, harmonicas, artist’s easels, basketballs, etc., we are tempted to give these activities another whirl.

The next comic up is Sam’s coming to grips with being a new dad. Now this IS a new trick because he’s never been a dad before. And that is a skill that Marv and Al have had plenty of practice at. Just not when they were 62. So in imagining what that could possibly be like, they end up panicking their poor friend. Truth be told, Andy was panicked when he became a new dad, and he was only 33. He had promised to give up smoking (which he did) but in fearing that life as he knew it was about to end, he managed to put on 15 pounds of “sympathy weight.” Andy’s theory: It really isn’t sympathy for what your wife is going through, it’s really panic for what YOU’RE about to go through. Just sayin’. All we can say is “Watch out Sam.” John has a lot of ink in his arsenal and can make you gain as much weight as he wants.

In closing, it seems like you CAN teach an old dog, new tricks. Like starting a comic strip when you’re in your 60’s. Nah. Forget about that example. Too much work.

Have a great weekend.

Andy and John

Old hubby, young wife 2/28/2020

It’s called a lot of things. A May-December romance. Cradle robber. Hollywood romance (think Michael Douglas/Catherine Zeta-Jones). But it is far more common this way than in the older woman/younger man thing, which is getting more popular as time goes on. But back to the older man/younger woman thing, we thought, now THAT is a setup to have some fun with. It doesn’t take much imagination to think how it would go at first, but what about when the passion eventually dies down and reality sets in? What will she think if you want to take her to a Steely Dan concert? Gosh these people are all so old, and come to think of it, so is Sam!!!!

But today Sam had an announcement he wanted to make. He’s going to be a dad. And Sam, never having been a father before, had no idea what to expect. Make no mistake, Al and Marv, who have recently regained their freedom (the kids are grown up and out of the house - mostly) are going to fill him in on what his life is about to become.

No more random Wednesday afternoon, let’s meet at the diner, lunches. No more spur of the moment “Want to go to the Mets game tomorrow?” moments. No more, “poker at my house Thursday.” In fact, Sam’s life as he knows it is over. But he doesn’t know it yet. But don’t worry, he’s about to find out.

Many of our friends are getting that rush of having a new child again, but it’s a grandchild they’re talking about. They love the kids to death but at the end of the day, or the end of the weekend, they get to give the kids back to mommy and daddy. Sam, not so much.

So our first comic deals with the guys’ reactions to Sam’s news and the second one features Dottie - their edgy, sarcastic waitress at the diner - putting her two cents in. Not that she was asked, mind you.

More on this next week and then we’ll move on but this is a storyline that keeps on giving.

Enjoy your weekend and we will see you next week.

Andy and John

On not sweating the small stuff 2/21/2020

Andy’s daughter Ali recently gave him a gift on Valentine’s Day, four colored glass straws. This was a marked improvement over the metal straw Joanie brought home. And an unbelievable improvement over the biodegradable paper straws that Andy was using to drink his beloved iced coffees and iced teas. You know the kind. They collapse if you suck on them too hard and then when you try to pinch them back into shape, they tear, requiring you to put a finger over the rip so you can create some form of suction. In other words, a major league pain-in-the-ass. Now if you’re not in the loop environmentally, you might ask, what’s so bad about plastic straws? Well they are used only once and thrown away. Yet they stay on the planet FOR-EV-ER.

But still…when you’re used to a flexible bendy straw your whole life, it’s kind of off-putting to place a piece of unyielding metal in your mouth. And what happens if you’re walking down the stairs on a hot summer day, sipping your iced tea through a metal straw and you trip on your flip flops? Huh? So as we confront this new environmental nightmare, we thought, straws are one of those things you can still find at grandma and grandpa’s house, along with Mallomars and chocolate-covered raisins, but we digress. John was likely scarred during childhood from those paper straws you had to poke into the milk cartons which collapsed during the first sip, and he struggles with the memory. Andy, a full 5 years older, had to tough it out by pinching the carton open and going straw-less. At any rate, we thought the different generational reactions to a plastic straw belonged in a New 60 comic. We hope you agree.

Next comic up was inspired by Andy’s recent visit for a routine check-up. The first thing you do is get weighed with your clothes on. Now, Andy has his secrets. No breakfast that morning, don’t wear jeans, wear khakis or something light, empty your cell phone, watch, car keys, gum, toothpicks, take off your belt, suck your breath in (we know it doesn’t work, but still…) and gingerly step on the scale. When Andy told John of his modest strip-tease, John immediately thought, let’s strip him down to his underpants and only the nurse stops him from going “The Full Monty” (that means totally naked and is also a title of a movie in which two out-of-work, overweight dads, decide to become male pole dancers). Now let us reassure you that neither John nor Andy have any thoughts of that type of career change, but we thought it’d make a good story for the “Marv” character who is always trying one diet after another. But John couldn’t resist drawing Marv in his tighty whities (and he also couldn’t resist calling them “skivvies”).

So there you go. See you next week with two new ones and we may even reveal Shellie’s new condition to our hapless men.

Have a wonderful weekend

Andy and John

Ahh yes, it's Valentine's Day 2/14/2020

If you’re a cynic, you could call Valentine’s Day a cheap, Hallmark Holiday, invented only to sell cards and chocolate. But face it, nobody likes it when you forget their birthday, and a lot of people don’t appreciate it when you forget Valentine’s Day. We’d say, mostly women don’t like it, but we are living in politically correct times, so we said people don’t like it. Even though, with all the pink ribbons and heart-shaped boxes it’s clearly aimed at…

We digress. The past two years we did comics about our hapless guys forgetting and either trying to make a last-minute, desperate, Hail-Mary pass, OR - as we did last year - have the guys suffer the consequences. So this year, we wanted to try something different by introducing a new character, Sam’s new wife Shellie. Last week Craig, our confirmed bachelor, noticed that Sam and Shellie were rarely included when the couples went to dinner or on vacations. And Al and Marv revealed their wives didn’t much care for Shellie. Not because she’s a quarter of a century younger than them mind you, just ‘cause.

So Al and Marv felt a bit guilty about this, as they pondered an invitation to Sam and Shellie’s for a Valentine’s Day Dinner party (see how we cleverly wove Valentine’s Day in there?). After a little convincing they all agree to go to the party.

Our second comic in this continuing saga takes place at the aforementioned party. When Shellie refuses a drink, the wives know something’s up. Al and Marv have no idea what’s going on. So this year, rather than being clueless about Valentine’s Day, they are clueless about Shellie.

At this point you may be wondering if men are so clueless, how can men think this stuff up? And we would say to you, uhh, we have no clue. So have a great weekend and oh yeah…

Happy Valentine’s Day

Andy and John

On gettting older, not old, damnit! 2/07/2020

The other day Andy was having a fine day thinking up new ideas with John. After they said goodbye, he went into the grocery store. He picked up dinner for that night and noticed a $2.45 discount on the end of his receipt. “What’s this for?” he asks the cashier, pleasantly surprised. She answered, “You get 3 cents off for bringing your own bag and $2.42 off for our senior discount.” Andy said, “But I’m only 26.” To which she gave a good, hearty laugh as if it were the funniest thing she’d heard. But that wasn’t all. That same night his wife and daughter met for dinner in NYC. Ali, his daughter, was a couple minutes late. When she asked for her mom, Joanie, who had already been seated, the hostess said, “Are you with the mature woman?” No shit. Mature woman. Funny but ouch. So here’s Andy’s suggestion to clerks everywhere: If the customer ASKS for a senior discount, then by all means give them the damn discount. But, if the customer doesn’t ask for the discount, don’t offer the freakin’ discount. Maybe it’s worth the extra $2.00 at the movie theater or even the grocery store to have the clerk NOT assume you’re old. And maybe the hostess could have said, are you with the woman with the black dress? Just making a point here.

Which brings us to our first comic today. John read that although your bones stop growing around puberty (of course there are exceptions and people experience growth spurts later) your nose and ears continue to grow. After laughing at that thought, we both blurted out simultaneously, “Well, at least we have that to look forward to.” And comic #1 was born.

As you scroll down you’ll see our second comic, which deals with Sam’s new wife, Shellie. We introduced the idea of her, as opposed to the actual her. A mutual friend told us about a guy in his 60’s who married a woman in her 30’s and now has a 2 year old. We will play out that situation over the next month or so. We wondered, what would Rachel and Joanne (married to Marv and Al) think about Shellie? Would they resent her for being 38? Would they miss Sam’s first wife and be loyal to her? What the hell would they talk about? The possibilities are endless and we intend to mine them.

One final thought: Just remember as the days and years tick on, we’re not getting old. Just a little old-er. Okay?

Andy and John

Clogged Drains and Award Shows 1/31/2020

“Honey, come on in, the Grammys are starting.” That’s a sentence NOT being uttered in many houses where the participants are 60+. Some houses, maybe, but not many. “Oh, look who’s hosting. It’s that, ya know, the one who was a classically trained pianist and uhh, name is like a piano, uhh, Keyes, that’s it Alicia Keyes!” And that’s just the opening. The rest of the night is a series of questions like our kids used to ask when they were 5 years old. “Who’s that? What does she sing? How does it go? Why is her hair black on the bottom and green on the top? Why does that man have a motorized hat with a curtain?”

It’s been said that the only two types of programs people watch live anymore are awards shows and sports. This is because most people want to know who won in real time, before they get alerts on their watches, cell phones and iPads. Not recognizing anyone on the Grammys, Andy took refuge by switching to the Knicks game. Then - realizing he was watching the Knicks (no comment) - he quickly switched back to the Grammys. As John pointed out, “The only people I recognized on the Grammys were the ones who died last year.” And boom, we had a comic.

The next one was easy because it really happened to Andy. Only it was a clogged toilet instead of a sink. John “I’m the prude in this crowd” Colquhoun said, “A clogged toilet is gross. Let’s do a sink.” You have to admit, the guy had a point. So we did a sink. And for the ending, well, that was the easy part, what goes with balsamic vinegar? Well, a caprese salad. And there was our second comic. By the way, we now are well stocked in plain, old fashioned white vinegar. And if it ever happens again (which it did), we found a trick that actually works. Fill a bucket up with hot (but not boiling hot) water and dump in in the toilet from about waist high. It makes a big splash, but the force of the water dislodges…whatever was lodged. You get the idea. And, to tie back to the beginning (Grammy Awards) If you don’t know, now you know. Courtesy Biggie Smalls.

Have a great, clog-free weekend.

Andy and John

Adventures in driving and grandparenting 1/24/2020

First on your feed this week is a lesson in grandparenting. When Andy pitched the ending, John said, “I don’t want to do the dumb husband/smart wife thing.” Andy replied, “Why not,” and John said, “We need to be less obvious.” The guy had a point. But the other point was that this exact incident happened to Andy, his wife Joanie and their daughter Ali who was about 2 at the time. They weren’t about to go sleigh riding, they were about to go to an unveiling. Outside. In February. In a foot of snow. And Ali, always the fashion maven even at 2 years old, wanted to wear her black, shiny, patent leather, party shoes, while her dad was trying to force her boots on. She was wailing and kicking, anything to avoid putting on those rubber boots. Suddenly her mom Joanie entered the room and suggested the compromise you saw in the comic. Ali immediately calmed down and put on her party shoes, and THEN her snow boots.

The challenge for your intrepid cartoonists was how to end this and John had the thought of coming up with some ancient wisdom. It turns out both Andy and John had separately worked with Pat Morita, the famed master in The Karate Kid. So a Jew from New York and a Protestant from Long Island put their heads together came up with some ancient Chinese wisdom instead. Which makes for a more intersting ending. But as Andy says, the guy is still a dummy. And he ought to know, because that guy was him. One final note was that Joanne’s final comeback, “You learn well, grasshopper,” is a nod to the show “Kung Foo” starring a white man, David Carradine, in flowing robes. Those were certianly different times.

Our second comic was inspired by a friend of Andy’s named Kyle who was a little late to Andy’s apartment to watch the conference championship football games last Sunday. What happened was Kyle had left his house but had forgotten his phone. He went back to get it and wanted to send a text from his car, saying he’d be late. He was hoping to encounter a red light so he could stop and text but every light he reached was green. When he finally got to a red light, he pulled out his phone and…the light turned green. When he finally arrived, midway through the first quarter, he announced, “If you ever want to avoid running into a red light, just try to send a text.” Andy said, “You are late but forgiven because you just gave us a new comic.”

That’s it for this week. We will see you again on Super Bowl weekend. Until then, be well and keep on reading.

Andy and John

On resolutions and remembering 1/17/2020

Who among us has not made a list of New Year’s resolutions? Who remembers them? Not important. We’re here to make fun of your resolutions. If you are in The New 60 age range, chances are one of your resolutions was to stay in shape. Now you can do that in age-appropriate ways like, walking, bicycling (on an ebike, of course), swimming, golf (in a cart, duh), tennis (doubles only, double duh), pilates, yoga, etc. And then there are the sports we make fun of. Why? No wise guy, not because we can’t play them anymore. Because they are sports where the participants refuse to give into age. Okay, we also can’t play them anymore. Examples: pick up basketball, over 50 slo-pitch softball, touch football, even soccer. Note: Andy plays golf mostly in a cart and John plays tennis, mostly doubles, so don’t even THINK about making fun of either of those activities. In our first comic (which appears second in your email) we picked on pickup basketball because, in the immortal words of Ratso Rizzo (Dustin Hoffman in MIdnight Cowboy) “I’m fallin’ apart here!”

The next comic, which comes up first (don’t ask, it’s complicated) is about memory. Specifically, remembering people’s names to whom you only have a tangential connection. Now, if you are like us, you have developed strategies to combat the embarassment of forgetting somebody you are supposed to know. There’s the one on one meeting: just introduce yourself, hoping the other person will introduce themselves. It goes something like this, You: “Hi, Andy.” To which the other guy say: “I know, Tom.” To which you reply, “Of course. Hi Tom.” Then there’s the two on one where you know only one of the other people’s names. You say to the person you don’t know, “Hi, have you met George?” And the other person says, “No, I haven’t, pleased to meet you, I’m Tom.” (By the way, why are we always forgetting Tom?) That method is almost foolproof. But then there’s the situation where you get approached by two people and you forget both their names. Then you’re screwed. You have to go for the Hail Mary of “Do you guys know each other?” In our comic, they said “No” at which point, you’re done.

So what are some other solutions to this embarassing phenomenon, which we guess, does not improve with age. One idea is to hire one of those senate aides who goes around galas whispering in the Senator’s ear, “That’s Martha, the representative from Arizona. That’s her husband Bill beside her, and their oldest daughter Claire is going to be a freshman at Arizona State in the fall.” Lacking somebody like that, you can always rely on your spouse or life partner. In Andy’s case, his wife Joanie once rescued him be saying, “You remember Tom (poor Tom again),” to which Andy stupidly replied, “No.”

At any rate, thank you for continuing to read us. Have a great weekend and we’ll be back next week.

Andy and John

On leftovers and resolutions 1/10/20

If you are like either of us, you hosted a New Year’s Eve party and on January 1 (and who’s kidding, on Jan 2 and maybe even the 3rd) you started making your way through the leftovers. Partly because you become tired of having to move the roasted vegetables, guacamole and sour cream in order to get to the milk. And partly because you have had enough brie for a month, and want to get to the old fasioned cheddar. Besides, brie sucks when served cold. The urge to clear, coupled with the urge to not waste, results in some hilariously mismatched dinners. And champagne? Forget about it. Who wants to open a nice bottle of Moet or Veuve Cliqout, when you’ll have to dump whatever isn’t drunk? Pro tip: This is why the good lord invented prosecco, which retails for $12.99. If you’re just drinking mimosas, says that’s definitely the way to go. Take it from Andy, who had several while watching college football games he cared nothing about.

Which brings us to resolutions. Ah yes, the New Year’s resolution list. Is there anything more meaningless? Practically every gym in America is packed to the gills through the first two weeks of January, and then…you can have your pick of any treadmill in the place, or any elliptical, except the one that also goes sideways, that’s mine goddamnit!

John and I both come from the world of advertising so we know the signs of waning resolutions. In the beginning of January, almost every commercial is for Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, Nutrisystem or the Equinox Gym. A couple weeks later it’s all about McDonalds McRib Sandwich back for only $1.99 as well as the Applebee’s $8.99 lunch special, not to mention the Red Lobster all-you-can-eat Shrimpfest. Ok, we mentioned it but the point is, when that stuff looks gross even on tv, you know it’s gonna even be worse in person.

So here’s to next year’s 2021 resolutions when we vow to lose another 20 pounds each and really, really go to the gym a lot, we swear.

Happy New Year and see you next week.

Andy and John

On new technology and the New Year 1/3/20 (yeah that's right...20)

As we grow older, our priorities change. We find this to be especially true around the celebration of New Year’s Eve. When you’re a kid, you get to stay up late with the babysitter because your parents are at some party. Later you hope you can find a date so you’re not alone for the celebrations. Then if you’re lucky enough to find a date, you have to find something you can do. And afford. It’s as if you’re forced to go out and have a good time. By the time you hit your 60’s, you are likely settled down and have a party to go to. Then the worry becomes, can we stay up until midnight? That was the impetus for our Happy New Year poster (which appears second on your list today as you scroll down from the Closed Captioning comic). Andy and John separately report that they both managed to stay awake for the ball drop. And you’ll have to take their word(s) for it.

The second strip (which appears first) comes from, as Andy’s son Greg used to when he was a little boy, “Real true life.” Except this was John’s life. John sat on the remote and suddenly the Colquhoun’s were blessed with closed captioning on their tv screens. The problem was, they weren’t sure how to turn it off. As John loves to say, “hilarity ensues.”

Here’s the thing with closed captioning. It’s fine in the gym when you can’t hear the tv anyway. And it sure beats turning the tv up to ear-splitting levels. But, and we should note only Andy feels this way, it seems really old to have closed captioning on in your house, because it indicates to everyone that you can’t hear a freakin’ thing. What’s that? I can’t hear you readers out there. Can you speak up just a little louder?

It’s called the fear of getting old, and at 66, Andy still has a long way to go before he gets old…

Happy 2020 everyone and we will be back in your mailboxes next Friday.

Andy and John

On football and the holidays 12/27/19

We sent our annual holiday poster out early for Christmas and Kwanzaa and late for Hanukkah, managing to offend everyone. It also gave us a cute hook for the holiday poster. And we always post to Facebook on Tuesday so that’s the real reason we were both early for some and late for others. That and the fact that Andy enjoys being offensive sometimes. On RARE occasions.

Our best comics come from personal experience. Either John’s when he tried to fix a car by himself or this week’s strip, based on Andy’s season tickets to his beloved NY Giants. His dad took him to every home game starting when Andy was 7 years old.  Andy later took his little brother. And then there was an 8 year hiatus when Andy attended college in St. Louis and followed it up with grad school and his early career in Chicago, but besides that, it was Giants football come rain, sleet or snow. He went with his cousins and buddies. Then came his wife and daughter who sometimes went but usually under protest, except when Ali was too young to realize she hated it. Then came his son Greg and he took to it like a fish takes to water.

Then Andy hit 65. And started to feel the snow and the cold and the wind. And he thought about how nice it was during away games to watch on his hi-def, big screen tv at home. Hanging with his friends and his son’s friends, listening to the announcers point things out he’d never realize on his own. Followed by the growing realization that his time for braving the elements, prepping for the tailgates, leaving the house at 9:30 and not coming home until 5:30 or 6, was slowly coming to a close.

This comic is about football tickets but it’s about so much more. It’s about giving in to age but going kicking and screaming every step of the way. Kind of like Andy himself.

Happy Holidays and we will see you next week,

Andy and John

Holiday Cards and Holiday Cheer 12/20/2019

The holidays wouldn’t be the holidays unless they came with some kind of hassle attached. Take the holiday card, for instance. You have to send one to all your friends and all your “friends.” This requires a trip to the Post Office to ask your friendly postal employee for 200 of those cute winterberry stamps, to which they reply with a snarl, “We only have two books of winterberry so that’s only 32 stamps leaving you 168 stamps short of your goal.” “What else do you have?” I reply. “Well we have wreaths, a manger scene…” “But I’m Jewish,” Andy replies. “Okay, so you can go with our generic ‘Celebrate’ stamps or our ever-popular ‘Disney Villains’ series.” You get the point.

And once you get the stamps and the addresses, “Did the Freedmans move to West Palm for the winter or is that their new permanent address?” Now comes the picture. And the resultant chorus from the family members: “I look fat in that one,” “My hair’s a mess,” “Can we crop out his tattoos?”, (and what frequently happens to Andy) “Your eyes are closed,” as well as the ubiquitous, “Can you at least try to smile?” Fun times for all.

But we save our best fun for those holiday letters that accompany said holiday cards. You know the ones, they tell you how everyone in my family is doing great, in fact they’re doing much better that anyone in your family. So we attempt to have our characters try one, and then think better of it.

That’s all for this week. Happy Holidays and we will be back again to raise your holiday spirits with our constantly uplifting messages.

Andy and John

Zen and the Art of Car Maintenance 12/13/19

Okay, okay you got me. This week’s entries have absolutely nothing to do with Zen.

Nada.

Zilch.

But they do have a lot to do with car maintenance. First of all I need to explain the cultural phenomenon here. Andy is Jewish. He doesn’t know how to do car repairs. John (as Adam Sandler might sing) not a Jew and is therefore a do it yourselfer. But what seems easy often is not. Sure that clown in the YouTube video tells you it’s easy, but when he starts mentioning super hot halogen bulbs and potentially starting electrical fires, well, no thanks. Which is why Al sheepishly ends up going to the service bay of his car dealer. This reflects the experience of one of us. We’ll leave it to you to figure out which one of us that is. Hint: the only thing Andy ever successfully did from a YouTube video was figuring out how to descale a Nespresso Coffeemaker. Please, hold your applause.

This week’s other comic comes with a shout-out to our mutual friend, Alex Avsharian. He told John about this wiggling-your-finger-in-your-ear-to-sound-like-PacMan phenomenon. John asked Alex if we could use it in a strip (no we weren’t desperate, thank you very much) and he said, “Sure, I got it off a meme in the first place.” Thanks anyway Alex. If it weren’t for you, we’d never know how to make that sound. We know other mature tricks like this (how to do a convincing fake vomit sound, for instance) but our huge editorial staff is still deciding whether or not to release that highly classified piece of intel.

So enjoy (or hate) the impeachment trials or if you do still go to work in an office, enjoy online holiday shopping and then the trials (we’ve been there, done that and know exactly how much work is getting done in this run-up to Christmas Break.)

We will see you next week with a theme around those lovely Holiday Cards.

Andy and JOhn

On New (as opposed to young) Love and Old Dogs 12/6/19

At The New 60 we wondered about dating. Now the both of us have been married for a long time, so this is what we imagine dating would be like. We did research from various single friends and what follows for Craig is what you’ve already read. It seems as if there is an initial stage of infatuation, hand holding, feeding each other shrimp, and various public displays of affection that can make you look like a total asshole (at least in public). Then there’s the reaction of Craig’s friends (people like us and many of our readers) which lie somewhere between “Isn’t that nice?,” and “Give me a f’ing break!” The comic says the rest.

But it’s the second comic (or first one on your email) that gets into something a little deeper. As we get older, our pets get older and we get older and we grapple with our mortality. If you say you don’t think about that, we say you’re either lucky or you’re not telling yourself the truth. So we had one of our pets reach the end of the rope and wondered how the guys would deal with it. How long was the proper time to mourn? And how long was the proper time to look for a new pet? And before we rushed into things, did we really want that responsibility again?

So we made it even a little more diabolical by giving this decision to Sam’s second wife, Shellie. Being a relatively new wife and being Sam’s junior by roughly 20 years, she may not have the same allegiance to Sam as Al and Marv have to their wives and each other, after 30+ years of togetherness. Since Shellie is more than willing to replace their dog with a new puppy, Sam wonders how long it would take her to replace him once he’s gone. It’s a funny situation but you know the cliche: there’s a little bit of truth to humor. And the more truth, the better the humor.

The other question is, do these dark musings belong in a blog about a comic strip? When the subject is people 60 or over, we say the answer is a resounding yes.

Now that we have you thoroughly bummed out, please enjoy the holiday season and we’ll be back next Friday with two brand new comics.

Andy and John

What we're thankful for: Thanksgiving. What we're not: Mustaches. 11/28/19

It’s a good thing November is coming to a close. It’s a good thing Movember is also coming to a close. Funny how that works. The good thing about the end of Movember is we are running out of mustache jokes. This time Al, a glutton for punishment if there ever was one, is not satisfied with the guys’ opinion of his “stash”. He has to ask Dottie her opinion. Now Dottie has been his waitress for the past 40 years and he knows she pretty much is a wiseass about everything, so he’s taking a big risk in asking her. She doesn’t disappoint.

The next comic and first on your list is a John special. It’s a actually a poster, which we like doing for the holidays. He took the famous Norman Rockwell painting of an American Thanksgiving, and drew our characters into the painting. It’s so nice, we’ve decided to run it twice. Both last Thanksgiving and the 2019 version.

We’ll be back next week with two new ones and before you know it, it’ll be time for the Chrismakkuhzaa (Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa mash up) poster. By trying to offend nobody, we are sure we’ll end up offending everybody and then, in true holiday spirit, we’ll each try to blame the idea on the other guy.

That’s it for now. Our tip for acheiving A happy Thanksgiving is more eating less discussing politics. Good luck with that!

Happy Turkey Day

Andy and John

On technology and mustaches: sometimes they work, sometimes not so much 11/22/19

We couldn't let the month of November pass by without a nod to Movember. Huh? Movember is a portmanteau (thanks to Andy’s daughter Ali for the definition), a mash up of two words. And for Movember, guys are supposed to grow a mustache to raise awareness of men’s health issues. The first question we have is why Movember and not Muvember. Mustache starts with mu, last we checked. And why does November get to hog almost all the glory? Can’t we give the poor little mustache two stinkin’ letters? Nooo. It’s all about NOvember. But we digress. The mustache that Al grows to commemorate Movember makes him look like a , well, like a 70’s porn star. Full disclosure, Andy said, why not just say “porn star?” and John replied, “The mustache is specific to 70’s porn stars.” We looked it up and he was right. Why he knew so much about 70’s porn stars is a different subject, but let’s not conjecture.

The second strip, sad to say, is based on a real story that happened to Andy. Most of the time, something funny happens to one of us, or we observe something funny and then we change it to make it a better comic. This particular incident needed no change whatsoever. Andy had just bought the weirdly designed and unsurprisingly expensive Apple wireless earbuds, and when peeing in a restaurant bathroom, the bud fell out of his ear and into the toilet. After debating for at least a minute (am I reaching in there or not?) he rolled up his sleeve and when he bent over, you guessed it, the automatic flush kicked in. The lesson here is clear. If you are over 60 the latest technology is probably not for you. That goes for wireless earbuds and especially for automatically flushing toilets. From now on it’s bulky, old school, Bose Noise Cancelling, over the ear headphones dammit. And leave the ear buds to the millennials.

Have a great weekend and we’ll be back next week with one new one and one Happy Thanksgiving poster.

Andy and John