Brand Identity. 10/02/26

I’m not sure what peeves me more. People trying to become brands or brands trying to become people. Last week the guys tried to become brands, but they didn’t exactly take their assignment seriously. This week Al’s franchise, Pizza-on-a-Stick, tries to become a person. When we were in advertising, I worked for a time on Pizza Hut and John worked big time on Little Caesars. If you think the “pizza pizza” guy looks a lot like Al, there’s a reason. John illustrated them both. In fact, people think I look a little like Al, but his nose is wayyyy bigger. I wonder what Al would look like in a toga. Did you ever notice that brand personalities and brand identities never have any flaws? Would you want to hang with people who had no flaws? Or worse, people who thought they had no flaws? If a soda pop can be identified as optimistic, joyful, inclusive and uplifting, I wonder how it would feel if somebody let it go flat and dumped it down the drain and then further disrespected it by turning on the disposal? How would it feel then, huh?

Now Pizza-on-a-Stick has never been the warm, uplifting, positive friend that Coca Cola has always been. Nor does Pizza-on-a-Stick have the aforementioned Little Caesars’ fun, bold, playful, unpretentious, generous personality (that’s for real, we looked it up on ChatGPT). In fact (please don’t tell Al), Pizza-on-a-Stick is a dumbass idea. Did you ever stop and think what would happen if you tried to eat pizza on a. stick. You take one bite and immediately burn your mouth and hand with the hot, dripping tomato sauce and cheese. And if you bite too hard there’s always the risk of splinters.

If you have any ideas for a brand personality for The New 60, write us and let us know. Just as long as it’s glowingly positive, upbeat and fun. Just like Al.

Have a great weekend all you affable, joyous, ridiculously god-looking readers and we will see you next week,

Andy and John

Brand Personality. 09/25/26

There are few businesses more full of it (and themselves) than the ad biz. We used to come up with clever slogans to animate problems that only our products could alleviate. Ring around the collar anyone? Use Wisk. Or this: Get a Colgate Smile (I guess without it, we’d be constantly tight lipped so as not to show our hideous non-Colgate teeth. But these days the way to appeal to consumers is not to talk about problems, it’s to create an “identity” consumers relate to. Hence Coke is a cheerful, optimistic person who brings people together. Therefore, when you open a Coke, you open happiness. No wonder I prefer bourbon. UNTUCKit is “the confident, relaxed guy who looks good without trying too hard. Therefore you “Wear what feels right.” I wear UNTUCKit, but not because I want to be seen as a confident, relaxed guy. I wear it because I’m short and don’t want my untucked shirt to hang down to my knees.

So brands are trying to become like people, but what’s even crazier is people trying to become brands. “So what are you up to, recently retired athlete, movie star, talk show host, chef,” is a question I’ve heard posed hundreds of times. “I’m working on my brand,” is the usual answer. For example, Martha Stewart is the “warm inviting perfectionist who will teach us how to live beautifully,” I prefer to think of her as the “Dominating witch who knows how to wear an ankle bracelet with style.” At any rate, Al (the character, not artificial intelligence) and the gang are going to try to create their own brand personalities. If you like them, then John and I came up with them. If you don’t ,then blame it on Al (artificial intelligence, not the character).

Fall is here and so are we next week with some more branding work. After all, we did spend a combined 75 years in advertising.

So to all you intelligent readers with style, have a great weekend,

Andy and John