Independence Day 07/04/25

Thank goodness Al got to finally make his speech. We ran out of ways to say, “What can I say about…” And now we’re onto Independence Day. It used to celebrate our independence from Britain, independence from a mad king, but now it’s more about independence from dietary rules. For one day we eat hot dogs and cheeseburgers and their (heaven-forbid) carb-laden cohorts buns, bread, chips, apple pie and ice cream. Sure we throw in a little skinless, boneless marinated chicken breast in here, the random Impossible Burger there, possibly someone insists on salmon (and make sure it doesn’t touch the meat on the grill), and possibly even a salad, but check it out when you clean up the dishes. There’s a lot more salad left than cheeseburgers.

When Joey Chestnut stuffed 76 Nathan’s hot dogs and buns down his gullet in ten minutes, we had a new Independence Day record. I wonder if he stopped at 76 to celebrate 1776. Or if he stopped at 76 because he was about to throw up. Just watching him makes us want to lose it. But he’s got a secret. He dips his buns (hot dog buns, not his ass) into water before eating it. This way he is freed from the annoying act of chewing. Let’s get this out of the way quickly. I hate Joey Chestnut. How anyone can stuff 76 hot dogs down their throat without gaining an ounce is beyond me. I look at a hot dog and gain weight. Of course I eat it after I look at it and that might have something to do with the weight gain part. Maybe. I wonder what Joey Chestnut’s cardiologist thinks about his yearly participation. Last year he was banned by Nathan’s because, get this, he had signed a contract with the company that makes the Impossible Burger because they had introduced an Impossible Hot Dog. This year he’s back in, because—can you name a competitive eater other than Joey Chestnut? And is his name really Chestnut? I’ve tried both Impossible dogs and burgers, and let me tell you, the word “impossible” is a bit ironic. Because trying to create a hot dog or burger out of soy protein and sunflower oil that tastes like an actual hot dog or hamburger is, well, impossible. A very good friend of mine once wrote the following tag line for Pepperidge Farm cookies: “If you’re gonna eat a cookie, eat a cookie.” Same holds true for hot dogs and burgers, at least for today. And, take it from a New York City kid, when you’re biting into your 4th of July dog, skinless hot dogs are a no-no and yellow mustard does not count as mustard. The dogs gotta have snap and the mustard has to be Gulden’s spicy brown, just saying. If you’re hosting a crowd, it’s harder than ever to remember who is lactose intolerant, who can’t eat gluten, who is vegetarian, who is pescatarian and who is Lutheran (sorry, just threw that one in). I, in fact, am just generally intolerant. We featured a large counterman in a comic we ran a couple years ago. A woman orders a veggie dog and asks the guy what toppings go best with it. He looks upon her with disdain and says, “What do I think goes best with it? Meat.”

In closing, we feel the same about beer. When walking down the beer aisle I prefer beer to, for instance, Double D Brewing Company’s Watermelon Lager. I like to drink the beer with the meat and save the watermelon for dessert. At any rate have a great 4th and if you insist on yellow mustard, just don’t tell us about it, okay?

Have a great weekend,

Andy and John