A Burger By Any Other Name... 08/09/24

Last week we wrote about the joys of summer. This week it’s raining and cold and exhibition football has already started, which makes us shout to the Fall season: “Slow down already!!” That said, we find ourselves hurtling towards Labor Day (which marks the end of summer even though it’s not officially the end of summer until Sept. 21st). Which brings us around to things not being what they claim to be. Case in point: the airport security line, home to our first comic this week. My wife and I have opted for everything and anything that can get you through airport security faster. PreCheck? Check. Global Entry? Check. Clear? Check. Though when my wife and I went on a trip this past May, we were standing on a long, slow airport security line while the people who didn’t have PreCheck or Clear or Global Entry went prancing through an empty line straight up to the conveyor belt. Sure, they had to take off their belts and shoes, but they still beat us through security by a good 10 minutes. And why worry about shoe removal when there’s Skechers slip-ons? And how hard really is it to put your belt back on? So I’ve got a deal to make with the TSA. Don’t try to trick me into paying more for the ability to rush to the head of the line and I won’t keep trying to smuggle six-ounce bottles of spf 50 sunscreen into my bag. Okay?

And now the other comic. Like most of our strips, either John or I (or both of us) have experienced or read about what we write about. Now I had to have a stent put in an artery 1 1/2 years ago, and was warned to cut wayyyy down on my meat intake. Like from once a day to once a month. Which raises a lot of questions for yours truly. Does pork count as red meat even though it comes off the grill white? Yeah, I know. But how much fish and chicken can a person eat? As it turns out, plenty. And if any of our dear readers are going through anything like this, I’ll give you some hints. Turkey bacon instead of real bacon…no way. You turn up the flame on the oven with turkey bacon and there’s no sizzling. Why? Because there’s no damn fat. On the other hand, turkey sausage is absolutely delicious. No give up whatsoever. Now that we have sausage settled, what about burgers? If I can’t eat too much meat, can there be a way to eat juicy burgers without eating meat? Yes I know about veggie burgers. There’s stuff like boca burgers, which are made to taste like meat and they’re pretty good. But then along came the ubiquitous plant burger, which now appears on seemingly every menu, even freakin’ Burger King’s. Two brands have reached the plant-burger pinnacle: The Beyond Burger and the Impossible Burger. Dutifully, I tried them both out. If you pile a plant burger high with mustard, ketchup, lettuce, tomato, onion and pickles, it’s pretty close to the real thing. Then I tried them without all the toppings. And at least to me, Impossible kicks Beyond’s butt every time. So after coming to that conclusion, we fast forward to a backyard summer barbecue. My daughter is very healthy and is concerned with my health. As proof of how healthy she eats, she likes veggie burgers that taste like vegetables. When I proudly pointed out that I was grilling an Impossible Burger, she pointed out that it actually rivals and sometimes even surpasses a beef burger in terms of saturated fat and sodium. Huh? Are you kidding me? Her advice, “If you’re gonna eat a burger, eat a burger. Just don’t eat them too often.” Sigh. So I counted back a month before Labor Day (August 2nd) and stopped eating meat until Labor Day, on which day I will have a real hamburger and a hot dog! Then it’s back to chicken. Or fish tacos. And perhaps a cold non-alcoholic brew. Or not.

Have a great weekend (if you’re living on the East Coast it’s probably raining) and I’m off to meet a friend for lunch. I’ll start with a side salad and then a nice, juicy, uhh hamb… ehh change that to a cheesy bowl of French Onion sou…uhh make that a tuna burger, medium-rare to the rare side, please?

Andy and John